Tears on my pillow...

Sometimes a good cry is exactly what you need to get rid of those cobwebs that have started clogging up space in your head. That's exactly what happened to me yesterday. I popped in to see my mum after work and ended up in tears over a few things that had been playing on my mind. 

The worst thing about it all is that once I started I couldn't stop. It was like I'd opened the flood gates and forgot to throw myself a life jacket. 

It's not the first time I've ended up in tears on my mum, but usually once they've dried up, I'm ok and can get on with my life again. Last night was different though. Yes, I stopped crying, but round two wasn't far off when I started texting my sister. Once again the tears were falling only this time I was in my bedroom, alone. 

I got over it eventually and went to bed feeling much better, but 2.30am came and I was still wide awake watching YouTube tutorials on how to look more pretty. Yes...there are actually videos out there telling people how they can look and feel more beautiful than they are. By the time I got to the point where miss beauty queen was telling me to add eye shadow to the gaps inbetween my hair when I put it up in  pony tail, reality hit and I wondered why the hell I was drowning myself in such nonsense. Its no wonder so many girls out there feel so bloody insecure.

Five hours later, the alarm went off and I found myself trying desperately hard to get out of bed and face the day but it was a struggle. I did it though. Showered, dressed, makeup on, hair up (minus the eye shadow fill in) smile on my face and off to work I went. 

Work was good, I actually love my job and the people I work with but by the time I was driving home, I found myself dredding walking through the door and I had an uncontrollable sense of sadness overwhelm me. I shook it off though and got on with doing a Jillian Michaels workout DVD then walked round to my brothers to water his flowers as he's currently on holiday with his family. 

As I walked home I started feeling strange. My stomach started churning and getting knotty and I didn't know how to control it. I could feel the tears building up once more but I refused to start crying in public, and on my own. Instead I got home, made myself a salad for dinner and sat in silence watching George Clarke and his amazing houses, or something of that nature. 

I now find myself writing on here and I'm not really sure why. Its hardly page turning material. Perhaps I'm just taking the advice of a friend to get writing again so at least whatever I am feeling leaves my mind somehow. Afterall, better out than in. I think maybe a bubble bath is needed...and maybe one more cry, but the thought of doing that is making my stomach churn again. 

Catch 22 perhaps?

Leave a light on

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I wake up suddenly from a terrifying dream. The sky is full of beautiful orange lanterns that very quickly turn into guns that start shooting at me and those I'm with. I try and run for cover whilst screaming out for my brother and sister to make sure they're close by and safe. Someone tells me they're ok and then pushes me to the ground as more bullets start hitting the floor around us...

It's not the first time I've had this dream, however this time the only difference was the location. Where it was, I don't know, but it wasn't the same as before, however what happened was identical.

According to an online dream dictionary (yes I went there...!) lanterns represent feelings and wisdom to guide through life's journey. (Not bad!) Terror indicates unresolved fears or doubts that need to be confronted (hmmmm...) and to dream someone is shooting at you with a gun means I am experiencing some confrontation in my waking life. A gun also represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. (Oh dear!)

The worst thing about waking up from a dream like this is not having anyone to calm me down.....and that is tough because when your heart is racing at a million miles per hour and tears are uncontrollably falling down your cheeks, asking for comfort from someone next to you would usually help the situation. Instead I find myself, through sheer desperation, sending out a tweet in the hope that someone, somewhere, reads it and can help my troubled mind to relax and get back to sleep. Pathetic, I know. Of course, nobody does reply (well, not until 3 hours later) and so I am left sitting in bed trying to console myself in the dark by scrolling through an online dream dictionary that could well and truly be a load of rubbish!

I'm not sure why I had that dream, but there's obviously a reason given it's repetition. It reminds me of a recurring nightmare I had as a child where I walk into a dark room to screams coming from my mum, dad, brother and sister, all desperately asking me to save them from a locked cage while a giant green Dragon is blaring fire out of its mouth towards them.

I never understood that one either; but given my mum and dad are now divorced, I do wonder whether it was my inner consciousness trying desperately hard to save my family before it became a reality. Who knows?

I have been sensibly mulling over my life choices lately and looking at where my future is heading so I guess it makes sense that lanterns made a gentle appearance. As for the terror and guns though...that's probably the anxiety I carry around with me on a daily basis, which has been somewhat rife of late. Maybe that's the terror. But guns? I'm just not sure? We did get into a rather heated debate at work this week about people who would cheat if they could get away with it, and I have to admit, it left me feeling all kinds of angry and sad. Maybe on a deeper level it affected me more than I thought?

They're funny things, dreams. I have so many yet it always seems to be the most painful ones that stick in my mind; it's quite sad when you think about it. Why the bad dreams? Why can't the nice ones resonate so powerfully?

I'm hoping by sharing it here I can get rid of it, after all I have enough noise going on in my head as it is without adding dream trauma into the mix!

Fingers crossed tonight is better...

Smear Fear

Over the last few days I've been listening intently to the news that more women than ever are refusing to turn up to their smear tests because they are embarrassed about it. As someone in her late thirties who routinely has smear tests, I feel compelled to reach out to those who are making the decision not to get them done. 

If you have never had one done before, I can completely understand why you would be feeling apprehensive, and I can also understand if it may be your second, third, or even tenth time and you're still feeling like that. 

Let's face it, lying on a bed in a doctor's surgery with your lower body on show for a nurse who is going to insert a weird contraption into you and scrape away cells from your cervix doesn't exactly make for a comfortable experience. Even I feel vulnerable and embarrassed whenever I get mine done, but we need to be practical about this. Would you rather spend 10 mins every three years feeling a little bit embarrassed going through the process of a smear test, or deal with the consequences of what could happen if you are not tested? 

I know that may sound harsh, but I want to reach out and put a bit of perspective on this, and if what I am writing helps just one woman out there, then I will be happy. 

Remember, when you go for your smear test, you are seeing a nurse or doctor who does these tests all the time. To that practitioner, it is simply another routine procedure they do day in and day out. They are not there to judge or make comment and they will do their up most to make you feel comfortable and at ease. It's very quick and despite how you may feel at the time, the moment it is done you will feel so much more relieved and happy you have gone through with it. 

So if, while you are reading this, you are one of those girls who has cancelled or not turned up to your smear test, please rethink your decision. It really isn't as bad as you may think and you'll thank yourself in the long term for going through with it. If I could come with you for moral support, or at least be on hand with a large glass of wine afterwards, I really would, but I am with you in spirit fully supporting you through this. 

We can do this ladies, let's confront the fear and do good for our health. 2018 is the year of the woman, so I'm uniting with you all and encouraging you to book in for your smear tests. 

Let's do this! xx

Happy New year....

Er.....is it too late to say that? I hope not! I know, I know, I'm slacking. "Why haven't you been updating your blog, Tanya?" "When is the next story coming out?" "Tanya, don't neglect the writing!"

What can I say other than, I'm sorry! 

Again, life has been all kinds of hectic, but since the beginning of this year I have been taking some time out to refocus and relax, and it's really helped. Lots of great things are happening again for me this year and I want to stop and enjoy them a bit more. January is definitely a month for reflecting and implementing good changes, and already, I have a great feeling about what's to come this year. 

I won't lie, I'm feeling somewhat apprehensive about what I have in store, but then I wouldn't be me if I wasn't worrying about something! I am actually trying to change the way I worry so much about everything, and ask myself why I seem to worry all the time, but it's one of those things that will take time. I'll get there.

So what am I doing? Well, I'm starting with Yoga. Just this week I did my first session and will be doing another this evening. It's only a 20 minute beginners video I found on YouTube, but already I think it's great. I'm also setting myself up to begin training for a 5k run. To be honest with you, at the moment, I'm not in the right head space for it, but it is something I want to do. I just need to find the right training programme that will work for me and then I'll be on it! 

Sleep is another focus. I'm terrible at staying up late and feeling tired all day, and that needs to stop. Over the last couple of weeks I've been making a conscious effort to go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm feeling so much better for it. 

There are lots more to come, but I'll update you as the weeks go by. For now, it's back to work. Enjoy the rest of your day, lovelies.