Today I'm having a "really-can't-be-bothered" day! I've got tonight's dinner already in the slow cooker, have a coffee on the go, watching a rather disturbing animation on tv called "Kubo and the Two Strings" and am still in my pjs!
I've sorted out my washing into piles but am yet to actually put any of it into the machine and was actually planning to go to the gym but I just don't have the energy so I've decided today is going to be one of those nothing days. That's ok though, it's good to have days like these; they're good for the soul!
All week I've been feeling really sorry for myself because I've had an eye infection which resulted in me ending up in eye casualty on Wednesday. Thankfully though, it's nothing serious and the drops I've been given have worked wonders and I'm starting to look less devil like now! Spending the day with my sister and neice yesterday perked me up too. There's definitely something so special about family time, it really does mean the world to me.
Perhaps I should give myself a little kick up the bum, afterall I might as well be a little bit productive whilst I'm at home. There are jobs to be done. Perhaps a good shower is in order followed by a dance around the house whilst listening to some music on my Alexa is in order. (We don't need to tell anyone about the latter though!)
Yes, that's what I need!
"Alexa, play my weekend playlist...."
About Me
- Tanya Shirley
- Northampton, United Kingdom
- Welcome to my Blog. I set this up after realising I spend far too much time updating my Facebook status and living in hope that one day a celeb will reply to one of my Tweets. So if you like reality TV, makeup, short story ideas, magazines, chocolate and the occasional gym class, then this is the blog for you. Now get that tea brewing, grab a couple of digestives and let yourself escape into my world...you never know, you might like it here!
Saturday 22 February 2020
Sunday 16 February 2020
I dreamed a dream
It's been a long time since I committed to writing a blog on here and it makes me sad everytime I think about it, but there is a reason.
The last year or two have been emotionally so hard and I have struggled. Rather than using my power of words to help me through it I have completely switched off and broken away from the one place that allows me to express how I feel.
However, my family and friends have been incredible regardless of how I have been feeling, and have swept me up in much love and support and got me back to a happier place.
The crux of it all happened fourteen months ago when a really good friend of mine passed away in his sleep. That was after losing my Ouma and another friend to suicide the same year. Suffice to say, I broke down and I struggled and everything became a battle. Work was hard, being at home was hard. Everything was hard. I cried. A lot! Everyday felt like I was trying to plough through a force that kept on pulling me back and even on days where I told myself I would be ok, I ended up sobbing.
I was given some time off work and booked an appointment with the doctor who diagnosed me with grief and anxiety and put me on a waiting list for CBT counselling. What followed was numerous blood tests and check ups and I was told I needed to increase my vitamin D intake and was put on a course of folic acid.
It took a while, but I eventually went to group CBT counselling and it helped, but not quite enough. The counsellors said I would benefit from some one to one therapy which I am still going through now.
Since then, things have most definitely started to improve and I do feel in a better place but I was once again floored this weekend because
on Friday night, I dreamt about my friend for the first time since he died and it really has put my head in a bit of a spin.
In this dream it felt so real seeing him. He looked so well, healthy and happy and he was surrounded by so many people that loved him, and I stood there watching him for a while and all I felt was really, really happy.
He soon clocked me though and my happiness turned to nervousness because I couldn't believe he could see me and the anticipation of speaking to him again sent a rush of adrenalin through me. I remember waving to him after he looked over to me and it wasn’t long before I was integrated with him and his loved ones, laughing and smiling along with them. Later on in the dream, he text me to say how happy he was to see me and I remember feling like I had him back again!
Since his death I've always felt like he's been here but more recently I haven't felt him near me and I’ve found myself purposely looking for, and asking for a sign to see if he’s around so when I first woke up from this dream, I actually felt comforted as knew this was the sign I'd wanted. However as the morning went on I started to get quite emotional and ended up in floods of tears because the reality dawned on me once more that he wasn’t here.
I managed to get myself together and go to the gym and kept myself busy for a few hours before going home. Initially I was ok, and busied myself but I still had this dream at the forefront of my mind. I even found myself trying to google the interpretation to see if I could find something in it but it just made me feel more sad.
I then got a text from my sister yesterday afternoon telling me Caroline Flack had died. Talk about a bomb shell. Now, I don't know her but have spent the last how many years watching her present TV shows, and like a lot of famous people, you do feel attached to them and so to hear this news was horrendous. She was my age. I then spent the rwat of the day reading through tributes, articles and posts on social media, feeling really sad and it brought back all the feelings I went through when I found out about my friend and, even right now as I am typing this, I just feel incredibly sad.
I’ve proactively been trying to be more positive since the new year began and it is definitely been making a difference. People are noticing I seem a lot happier but I have to admit there are still times where I struggle and have my emotional moments, but part of my CBT training is finding time to do things to keep myself busy so that I am enjoying myself in all areas of my life and not just focusing on one thing. I think being holed up at home on my own because of storm Dennis probably hasn't done me any favours so I'm definitely going to go out today, even if it's just for an hour to distract myself!
In the meantime, I’m trying to take the positives from my dream. Perhaps this was his way of telling me he’s ok. I’d like to think that’s the case. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel sad, and I have to admit, seeing him look so happy and content did make me feel happy and reassured.
I really hope he comes back into my dreams again soon, for as sad as I feel, it was nice, and I really would love to see him again!
In the meantime, I'm going to carry on focusing on the positive, get writing more on here and hopefully get back into some short stories for you all. I've missed being here.
I’m going to continue sending out my love and prayers to anyone who is struggling, whatever the reason, and most importantly to those who can't find the strength to talk. If you are in this situation please try to reach out. You may not realise it but you are surrounded by people who love you and want to help and it's ok to ask for that and you'll find things will get better. It may take time, but there is no rush. The important thing is you take the hand of someone near you and let them in. Xx
The last year or two have been emotionally so hard and I have struggled. Rather than using my power of words to help me through it I have completely switched off and broken away from the one place that allows me to express how I feel.
However, my family and friends have been incredible regardless of how I have been feeling, and have swept me up in much love and support and got me back to a happier place.
The crux of it all happened fourteen months ago when a really good friend of mine passed away in his sleep. That was after losing my Ouma and another friend to suicide the same year. Suffice to say, I broke down and I struggled and everything became a battle. Work was hard, being at home was hard. Everything was hard. I cried. A lot! Everyday felt like I was trying to plough through a force that kept on pulling me back and even on days where I told myself I would be ok, I ended up sobbing.
I was given some time off work and booked an appointment with the doctor who diagnosed me with grief and anxiety and put me on a waiting list for CBT counselling. What followed was numerous blood tests and check ups and I was told I needed to increase my vitamin D intake and was put on a course of folic acid.
It took a while, but I eventually went to group CBT counselling and it helped, but not quite enough. The counsellors said I would benefit from some one to one therapy which I am still going through now.
Since then, things have most definitely started to improve and I do feel in a better place but I was once again floored this weekend because
on Friday night, I dreamt about my friend for the first time since he died and it really has put my head in a bit of a spin.
In this dream it felt so real seeing him. He looked so well, healthy and happy and he was surrounded by so many people that loved him, and I stood there watching him for a while and all I felt was really, really happy.
He soon clocked me though and my happiness turned to nervousness because I couldn't believe he could see me and the anticipation of speaking to him again sent a rush of adrenalin through me. I remember waving to him after he looked over to me and it wasn’t long before I was integrated with him and his loved ones, laughing and smiling along with them. Later on in the dream, he text me to say how happy he was to see me and I remember feling like I had him back again!
Since his death I've always felt like he's been here but more recently I haven't felt him near me and I’ve found myself purposely looking for, and asking for a sign to see if he’s around so when I first woke up from this dream, I actually felt comforted as knew this was the sign I'd wanted. However as the morning went on I started to get quite emotional and ended up in floods of tears because the reality dawned on me once more that he wasn’t here.
I managed to get myself together and go to the gym and kept myself busy for a few hours before going home. Initially I was ok, and busied myself but I still had this dream at the forefront of my mind. I even found myself trying to google the interpretation to see if I could find something in it but it just made me feel more sad.
I then got a text from my sister yesterday afternoon telling me Caroline Flack had died. Talk about a bomb shell. Now, I don't know her but have spent the last how many years watching her present TV shows, and like a lot of famous people, you do feel attached to them and so to hear this news was horrendous. She was my age. I then spent the rwat of the day reading through tributes, articles and posts on social media, feeling really sad and it brought back all the feelings I went through when I found out about my friend and, even right now as I am typing this, I just feel incredibly sad.
I’ve proactively been trying to be more positive since the new year began and it is definitely been making a difference. People are noticing I seem a lot happier but I have to admit there are still times where I struggle and have my emotional moments, but part of my CBT training is finding time to do things to keep myself busy so that I am enjoying myself in all areas of my life and not just focusing on one thing. I think being holed up at home on my own because of storm Dennis probably hasn't done me any favours so I'm definitely going to go out today, even if it's just for an hour to distract myself!
In the meantime, I’m trying to take the positives from my dream. Perhaps this was his way of telling me he’s ok. I’d like to think that’s the case. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel sad, and I have to admit, seeing him look so happy and content did make me feel happy and reassured.
I really hope he comes back into my dreams again soon, for as sad as I feel, it was nice, and I really would love to see him again!
In the meantime, I'm going to carry on focusing on the positive, get writing more on here and hopefully get back into some short stories for you all. I've missed being here.
I’m going to continue sending out my love and prayers to anyone who is struggling, whatever the reason, and most importantly to those who can't find the strength to talk. If you are in this situation please try to reach out. You may not realise it but you are surrounded by people who love you and want to help and it's ok to ask for that and you'll find things will get better. It may take time, but there is no rush. The important thing is you take the hand of someone near you and let them in. Xx
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