World Mental Health Day

There have been times in my life where I can feel so unbelievably overwhelmed it feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. It digs so deep into my skin I can feel every inch of my body aching and dragging me down. Unexplainable tears roll down my cheeks, food becomes an unhealthy comfort, sleeping becomes a challenge, and my thought process becomes so bleak and tangled I struggle to find a way to explain how I am feeling. The only way to describe my mind is to compare it to the look and sound of snow on a screen when you're trying to tune in a TV channel. It's stifling.

On days like this it's hard to get a grasp on reality and put myself back onto my axis but I have learnt over the last couple of years that it can be done.

I'm not the best at sharing how I feel. I focus more on looking after others than myself but I know now my own self care is just as important and necessary as those around me.

Recent CBT therapy, and the unbelievable love and support from my friends and family, has made me realise just how important it is to share these experiences and feelings. It's also taught me that being open with how I am feeling is a good thing and most importantly, it's absolutely OK to have worrisome days, no matter how big or small the problem is.

I won't lie, there are still days where I struggle with my anxiety, but that's ok; it's a part of who I am. It just means I need to make sure I am surrounding myself with the people who I can lean on, and keep practicing the techniques I have been taught, to help me through it.

To anyone reading this who is struggling, please be reassured, you are not alone. You are an incredible human who is SO loved, SO valued and SO worthy of living a wonderful life. It's ok to not be ok, and there are so many people around you who can help you. It may seem scary to take that step, but trust me, it will be the best thing for you.

Life is short, so please, be kind, help when you can, love hard and let's continue to look out for each other. We're in this together so let's be there for one another. 

#WorldMentalHealthDay2021
#WorldMentalHealthDay
#YouAreLoved
#ItsOkToNotBeOk

Coronavirus entry 49: Freedom, I wont let you down, I will not give you up?

Today is supposed to mark a big day in England. A day that signifies the end of all legal, social and economic restrictions surrounding the Coronavirus. This is the last step in the Government's plan to ease the country out of lockdown, taking us back to a "normal" way of life. Initially planned for 21st June, the decision was made to delay it by 4 weeks because of the rise in cases and hospitalisations. 

The irony of this however, is, yesterday afternoon Boris Johnson announced on his Instagram page that he had been "pinged" by the NHS covid app to say he had been in contact with someone who has tested positive with the virus and as a result, he now has to self isolate for 10 days. He's not the only one either. There has been a surge in the number of people around the country also getting these alerts and I personally know a few people - friends and family - who have received this notification, or have tested positive themselves, despite having both vaccinations. 

As of 17.50 today, the Government website has recorded today's daily figure of positive covid results is 39,950 in the last 24 hours, with 46,024 new cases per day in the last week. There are 4,094 people currently in hospital with the virus, 19 deaths recorded in the last 28 days and a total of 322,170 recorded in the last 7 days. 

It's clear to see we are very much not out of the woods yet. While we have seen nightclubs and bars celebrating this freedom by throwing midnight parties, and emails and updates coming in from businesses and organisations confirming what this means for them, and how they will be moving things back to a "normal" way of operating, there is still very much a responsibility to behold to prevent us going backwards. 

Last week, for example, I started feeling really run down and ended up with a terrible sore throat and cold which saw me spend two days at home lying on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. Of course, I took a lateral flow test at home, in fact, I ended up doing one most days because I wanted to make sure I was ok and not be a risk to anyone around me. Thankfully they were all negative, but I won't lie, I've been feeling incredibly paranoid about it ever since. 

I even did another test this morning after going to my cousin's wedding on Saturday, and while it was very much organised within the realms of what you can and can't do, I was aware that this was the first big event I had been to since we first went into lockdown. Again, it was negative, but I'm already planning to do another tomorrow before I go back to work. Too much? Perhaps, but you just don't know right now.  

So while we should all be embracing our new freedom, it still feels like we are all very much entrapped, and to be honest, I genuinely do not feel like this is the end of the Coronavirus and I'm not quite ready to dance on tables and shout about our freedom when it seems like there is still too much going around. 

For now, if anyone wants me, I will be erring on the side of caution and not rushing into too much of a good thing because right now, I still feel like this Coronavirus is still bad!

Coronavirus entry 48: Happy Birthday to me!

It's my 41st birthday today! My second one throughout this pandemic, however despite certain restrictions in place, I spent yesterday with my family in a covid-safe garden having a bbq and a few vodka's and it was absolutely lovely to be with them. 

I can't believe a whole year has passed since I was celebrating the big 4-0; I really don't know where the time has gone, but here I am 365 days later, seeing life with very different eyes! 

A lot has happened to me over the last 12 months: I was furloughed, I got made redundant, I was offered a part time job which has now been made full time, and I am back in the office at work. There's no doubt about it, the Coronavirus has made me think a LOT about life and where I am with mine and there's no doubt about it, I am in a much happier place today than I was at the start of this pandemic, but I do still carry around a lot of worry. 

Not wanting to get too morbid on my birthday or all days, I have definitely been thinking about death a lot more recently and it's been hard to get out of that thought process when death toll figures are being thrown in our faces every day. It's not something I want to be thinking about but it has made me realise I want to do more with my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life, but I don't feel like I'm living my best. I tend to talk a lot about things I want to do but never actually do anything about it. I've realised now, this has to stop because I'm only restricting myself from opportunities and experiences that are out there waiting for me. Even if I do them on my own, it's time to stop being scared and just live my life so I can share my story. 

I also heard today that zero new covid deaths have been reports in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland today. This is BIG news! For the first time 14 months, this is the news we have all been wanting to hear. I know we are not out of the water yet, but we are definitely in a better place to start living our lives again. 

As I type this moment of reflection, I feel good. I'm looking forward to being able to put plans into action again and making decisions and trying new things. I realise now is the time to start taking more risks and being brave about the decisions I make. Let's hope the rest of 2021 brings more positivity and fingers crossed for some fun times ahead! 

Coronavirus entry 47: Back to the office

Today was a big day for me as it was my first day back at the office since March last year when the Government officially put us into lockdown.

To say I have been feeling anxious is an understatement. I slept terribly all weekend and my stomach was in knots for days so much so I arranged to meet a colleague in the car park just so we could walk in together because she was feeling just as apprehensive. I won't lie, it was a relief to know I wasn't the only person feeling this way! 

However, as soon as we walked in, we were greeted with the sweetest of welcomes. Yes, we had to go through the rigmarole of getting our temperature checked and sanitising our hands but on a big screen TV in our reception area was a 'welcome back' message with our names flashing up too! 

We then got to our desks (which had been moved around to make sure they were covid safe) and sitting there was a blue bag of goodies with a handwritten card from our Directors, a water bottle, a travel coffee cup, anti bac hand gel and wipes and a ridiculous amount of sweets and goodies to snack on! How thoughtful; I was really touched by such a lovely gesture. 

The day itself actually went quite well and it was nice to see people again so hopefully the rest of the week will be OK, and most importantly, I'm hoping to get a better night's sleep this evening!! 

Coronavirus entry 46: Goodbye Prince Philip

Today we watched The Queen say a final farewell to her beloved husband, Prince Philip, as his funeral was aired on television around the world. 

The ceremonial funeral took place at St George's Chapel, in the grounds of Windsor Castle, at 15:00pm, and with current lockdown rules, only 30 people were allowed to attend. We saw The Queen and various members of her family attend, along with 3 members of Prince Philip's German family. 

Where this would have usually been a state funeral, Prince Philip had previously requested a smaller, low key ceremony, which The Queen honoured. There were still wonderful tributes and flowers that had come in though, both on social media, and laid at Buckingham palace. 

Live television coverage began as early as 7am, with other channels and radio stations offering programmes and discussions about the life of the Prince, prior to the funeral starting. 

The military honoured Prince Philip with a 41 gun salute every minute at 1pm, both on land and at sea, at major Cities across the UK, as well as the naval base in Gibraltar, as a mark of respect. 

At 2.15pm the Household Cavalry and Foot Guards lined up at the Quadrangle in Windsor Castle along with military representatives that had special connections with Prince Philip and at 2.40pm the coffin was carried out and place on a Land Rover where Princes Charles, Andrew, Edward and Princess Anne, Princes William and Harry walked behind. Princess Anne's son Peter Phillips, Vice Admiral Sir Tim Laurence and the Earl of Snowdon were also part of the procession, with members of the duke's staff followed behind. The Queen travelled on her own in a state Bentley at the rear of the procession. 

Seeing The Queen alone has without a doubt touched the hearts of everyone. There was a moment as she walked into the Chapel where she stopped and turned around, with many people believing it was her natural reaction to waiting for her husband to join her. We then saw her sitting alone on one of the benches at the front of St George's Chapel, which was absolutely heartbreaking. (This was due to Covid rules).

Prince Philip was lowered into the Royal Vault in the grounds of the Chapel at the end of the ceremony, however out of respect to The Queen and her family, only the start of this was televised. 

It is thought he will lay there until The Queen passes, and will then be moved to lay alongside her at King George VI memorial chapel where her parents' The Queen Mother, King George VI and The Queen's sister, Princess Margaret have all been laid to rest. 

Coronavirus entry 45: Phase 2 of easing lockdown

I think it's safe to say, the majority of people in England are rejoicing today because we have finally made it to phase 2 of the Government's plan to ease us out of lockdown which means pub gardens, gyms, shops and beauty salons have reopened, much to the relief of the business owners and everyone else who is in need of a haircut, a good workout, a new wardrobe and a good catch up over a few drinks with friends! 

Zoos and theme parks are also now open as well so there is a real sense of relief and elation from a lot of people as we mark the start of getting back to life once more. 

I have seen endless photos on social media of people documenting what they have all been doing today. For me though, it was very much the same, working from home all day! I did, however, book in to have a gym induction so that felt good, I have to admit.

There are still a lot of people who are really nervous about all of this and would much rather stick to the isolated lifestyle we have become accustomed to over the last 12 months and it's not surprising really. We are all still very much at risk of getting Covid, and despite this new lifting, the Government are still urging us to be careful. 

Only time will tell, I guess! 

Coronavirus entry 44: RIP Prince Philip

Today the world was shaken with sad news after Buckingham Palace released a statement announcing Prince Philip has died at the age of 99 years. 

Married to Queen Elizabeth for 73 years, Prince Philip had recently been in hospital following ill health but returned home only a few days before he passed away. 

The news was made on The Royal Family's instagram page with the following:

"It is with deep sorrow that Her Majesty The Queen has announced the death of her beloved husband, His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.

His Royal Highness passed away peacefully this morning at Windsor Castle.

The Royal Family join with people around the world in mourning his loss.

Further announcements will be made in due course. Visit www.royal.uk via the link in our bio."

Tributes have been coming in from all over the world since the news broke and despite officials asking the public to stay away from Buckingham Palace for Covid reasons, people have still be laying flowers, and leaving messages, at the gates of the Palace.

The Royal family have now officially gone into mourning whilst arrangements will be made for Prince Philip's funeral. 

Coronavirus entry 43: One year on

Today marks one year since the Government officially put us into national lockdown because of the Coronavirus, and on this very day last year, I started my first "Coronavirus entry" here on my blog. I noted how 281 people had died in the UK since the virus broke at the end of January and 5,683 people had been confirmed as having the virus. 365 days later and the Government website figures state 126,284 people have died within 28 days of a positive test in the UK alone and there are 148,125 deaths with Covid-19 recorded on death certificates.

A one minute silence took place at midday today to remember the victims of this awful pandemic and this evening, people have been lighting candles, and famous landmarks around the country have been lit up to signify this remembrance. 

It feels strange thinking about this day a year ago; saying goodbye to my colleagues work and sending messages to my family and friends, where we were all reiterating the same message - to keep in touch, and most importantly, stay safe. Nobody knew the extent of this virus, and even I admit to being a little naive about the whole situation, believing we would be back at work within a few weeks. 

Over the last 12 months we have seen mass panic as people stock up on food and home supplies; businesses - big and small - going into liquidation; a huge surge in redundancies, the NHS at breaking point, 3 national lockdowns and families torn apart with grief from losing their loved ones. 

We have also seen the most wonderful acts of kindness and support from all over the country. People have gone out of their way to donate money where they can, provide home made bakes and gifts for frontline workers and find ways collaboratively, to help supply food and meals to those who need it. Neighbours have joined together to clap for our heroes and have taken the time to look out for the elderly and vulnerable. 

Half of the UK adult population (approx 28 million) have now had their first vaccination and the Government are planning to get all adults immunised by the end of July. We are now slowly starting to come out of what we hope to be our last lockdown and begin living our lives as best we can, however we are already hearing from the Government that this may not be as fast acting as first hoped. 

Whatever happens over the next few weeks, today is one we should all reflect on. It has been one of the strangest years of our lives and has affected us all individually in so many ways. Going forward, I hope we can continue to unite together in support and love and do the best we can to help those who need it. My thoughts tonight are with the families who have lost loved ones and I am lighting my own candle in your memory. 

Coronavirus entry 42: Monday blues

Today has been an odd day. It started when I woke up....actually, scrap that. It started at about 6pm last night. I suddenly started to feel really overwhelmed to a point where I got into bed an hour later because I didn't know what to do with myself. 

I went through the usual plethora of things I do when I feel like this starting with the standard questions:

Has something happened?

Am I worrying about something? 

Where am I now?

Am I safe? 

I then did some breathing exercises and gentle stretches, washed my face, had a glass of water and did some more concentrated breathing and to be fair that did help. 

I slept relatively well albeit waking up a couple of times in the night, but that's normal for me. It was only when my alarm went off that I realised I was still feeling really crappy! 

I normally set 4 alarms every day but by the second one I'm ready to get out of bed and start my day. Today was different though. All four alarms went off and I still couldn't get up. Thankfully my radio was on and I suddently heard it was coming up for 8am, but all that did was cause panic to set in as I realised I only had 30 mins to get ready for a meeting. Thank goodness I'm still working from home....and thank God for dry shampoo!

I did it though but as soon as my laptop went on I sat at my desk and had an uncontrollable urge to start crying. This was not what how I envisaged my Monday to begin. I held it together, and with a big cup of coffee, I got through the meeting, but that awful sickie feeling was lingering and I could feel it getting worse.

I tried reasoning with myself and it did help for a bit but I just felt overcome with Monday blues and all I wanted to do was go back to bed! I mentioned it to a colleague when we were having a catch up but played it down as I didn't want to start crying. To be fair she was really sweet and again it did help but my stomach was still doing somersaults. 

By lunchtime I decided some fresh air would be good so I went for a walk to clear my head. I usually listen to music whenever I walk but today the thought of putting earphones in my ears agitated me so I didn't bother. 

It was a nice walk. The sun was out and it was a bit chilly too but I like that feeling. I did a nice route too, just under 3k, so enough to get a good bit of fresh air. 

I felt better when I got home but it didn't last long. The churning in my stomach soon came back and I could feel the tears building up again. My head was starting to feel like tv snow and it was really making me feel on edge. I drank more water and did more breathing but by 5pm I was exhausted. 

I logged off my laptop and sunk myself into a bubble bath, laying there for ages wondering why on earth I felt so off balance. I then lay on my bed for about an hour, questioning whether to bother having dinner but then I suddenly felt really hungry so knew I should! 

It's now time to go to bed and I'm still feeling all kinds of strange. For whatever reason I haven't been able to shake this feeling today so the best thing I can do is go to sleep and just hope I feel better in the morning! 

Coronavirus entry 41: Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been nearly two months since my last blog - where has that time gone? I had such an outpouring of love after my last post which found me ranting and raving about how annoyed I was feeling, and it made me realise just how lucky I am to have the most incredible people in my life. Friends and family got in touch to check in on me, I had people messaging me on Facebook and some even reaching out on Twitter to make sure I was ok. Honestly, it was a lovely feeling.

A lot has happened since then too. The Government have began a 4 step programme to ease us out of lockdown, starting tomorrow (8th March) where all children and students will return to school and college. There has been a lot of at home celebrating on social media this weekend from parents who have been congratulating each other on a job well done, but are very much looking forward to the teachers taking over now! The Government are also toying with the idea of keeping schools open over the summer holidays to allow for catch up classes, however I personally don't agree because I think teachers and pastoral leads have been working hard enough to do their job, and they now need a break as much as everyone else does. Whether it happens will remain to be seen. 

We also bid a final farewell to Sir Captain Tom Moore, who sadly passed away on 2nd February after being treated for Pneumonia and testing positive for Covid-19. This wonderful man came to the attention of us, not just the United Kingdom, but to everyone around the world, after he decided to raise money for the NHS by walking 100 lengths of his garden in the lead up to his 100th birthday. His initial goal was £1000 but in the end he raised over £32 million and touched the hearts of us all! 

On a more personal level, I have now gone back to full time work after being furloughed in June last year, getting made redundant in October but being offered a part time role. After a meeting with one of my Directors, it became apparent that there was enough work for me to do, and so I accepted and last week was my first week back! It's nice because it also means I will start getting more money from the end of this month too. It's all slowly coming back together! 

The most important thing to happen to me was on Friday, I received the first of two covid vaccinations. I was sent a text message from my doctor's surgery a week ago, and to be fair I thought it was a scam because my age range (40 - 49) are only scheduled to be done by the end of June. In fact, there are people who are older than me who are still waiting for their vaccinations, so it was a bit of a shock when I got called for mine but when I spoke to my surgery they said it was legitimate so I booked in. On Friday lunchtime at 12.30pm I was given the Astrazeneca vaccine. I will now get called up again in 12 weeks time for the second round. 

I've had a few side effects this weekend, mainly a sore arm where they injection went in, but also a few headache twinges and feeling really tired. I spent most of yesterday lying on the sofa reading my book, and it was only when I got up to cook dinner that I felt like I was coming down with the flu and all I wanted to do was get into bed. I don't actually think I've cooked and eaten dinner so quickly before. Infact, I was in bed by 7.30pm dosing up on paracetamol. Despite a bad nights sleep, it seems to have passed and all I am dealing with today is a sore arm so hopefully by tomorrow I will be ok! The nurse did say they were the typical symptoms though so I'm not worried. 

So tomorrow is quite a significant day in the shift to come out of lockdown. Fingers crossed this plan will work and we can all be back with our friends and family very soon. It's a nice thought, that's for sure!                                                                                                           

Coronavirus entry 40: Fed up!

Ok so there’s no other way to start today’s blog that to get straight to the point. 

I am FED UP! 

I’m fed up of Covid now! I’m fed of how it is affecting my friends and family; I’m fed up of feeling exhausted even though I’m exercising regularly and actually sleeping quite well at the moment. I’m fed up of having to stay indoors, I’m fed up of the eye infection that is preventing me from wearing any makeup and contributing to me looking like an ugly duckling on Zoom, and I’m fed up that I have run out of dry shampoo and paracetamol!

I was texting my Slimming World leader this morning and we got onto the conversation of the dry shampoo situation and I told her I can’t even get any on Amazon because it’s all sold out. Next thing I know, she’s sending me a link to buy some…on Amazon. Bless her heart! Why couldn’t I see that? I tell you why, it’s because I’M FED UP!

I’m fed up of the dry, flaky skin on my face too. Why have I got that? It’s not like I don’t use moisturiser – in fact I’m using that as much as I’m washing my bloody hands at the moment. And why the hell does my face look so red all the time? Even when I do put foundation on, my face still looks like a beetroot. WHY DAMMIT, WHY? 

I’m fed up of the weather. It’s been raining again today and its bloody miserable outside. I realised last night I haven’t been on a holiday since October 2018 so that’s something else that has added to my misery today! Oh look, it's actually snowing now - i seriously can't make this up!

I know I sound like a selfish madam right now and if I am offending anyone with this post, then feel free to tell me and I will apologise. I don’t want to upset or anger anyone, but if I don’t get these feelings out of me somehow, I’m worried they will fester and that’s when the anxiety will rear its ugly head, and quite frankly, I’ve put my family and friends through enough of that over the last couple of years. 

So here I am, using the skills learnt during my CBT therapy and writing a convoluted entry trying to explain how I feel in the hope that once I have finished getting it out of my system, I will be able read back and find a better way to deal with it. 

By lunchtime today I was so wound up that I decided to have another shower during my break and I did what I should have done this morning and washed my hair in the hope it would make me feel better. It was only after I had dried my hair that I started thinking it was actually doing the job and if I wasn’t being so bloody lazy this morning, maybe all of this could have been prevented. Cue the tears...honestly, I’m not even joking, I bloody well started crying didn’t I. FFS, it’s not even like I’m hormonal either!

Anyway, my working day has finished now, I've got my feelings out and I'm off to do some stretching in the hope that it will make me feel a bit more relaxed. Maybe I should remind myself how bloody lucky I am too and stop being so selfish with these “I’m fed up” statements. 

Coronavirus entry 39: A lockdown New Year!

We are now four days into 2021 and Boris Johnson this evening addressed the country to confirm that as of tomorrow, we will once again be going into a National lockdown and it is expected to last until the middle of February. 

In all honesty, his speech was somewhat disconcerting given the numbers he used to back up his decision. Scientists have confirmed the new variant of the virus is 50-70% more transmissible which means it is much more likely to catch and pass it on. Hospitals are under more pressure than when they were hit with this back in March last year, and in England alone, the number of Covid patients in hospital has increased by nearly a third in the last week to almost 27,000 which is 40% higher than the first peak in April. 

A new record of positive Covid cases was made on 29th December where more than 80,000 people tested positive across the UK. The number of deaths have also increased by 27% over the last week and it's looking to rise further.

Boris believes the only way we can get this under control while the vaccine is rolled out, is to put us back into a National lockdown. We are only allowed to leave our homes to shop for essentials, to go to work but only if there is no other option to work from home, to exercise, for medical assistance or to escape domestic abuse. Clinically and extremely vulnerable people must start to shield again too. 

Primary and secondary schools and colleges across England have to go back to remote learning but vulnerable children, and those of key workers can still attend. Although children are at less risk of catching it, they are prone to be carriers and so to reduce the risk of them bringing the virus home, it has been decided that it will be safer to keep as many children at home as possible. Free school meals will still be available to those who need them while schools are closed and more devices will be distributed to support remote learning. 

The Government also recognises it will not be fair for all exams to go ahead this summer because of all the disruption, and so the Education Secretary will work with OFQUAL (The Office of Qualifications and Examinations Regulation) to put alternative arrangements in place. 

There wasn't any mention of Universities though and already there has been a big outcry from students on social media about the lack of support they have received and a demand for fees to be refunded. 

The United Kingdom of Chief Medical Officers advised the Prime Minister that the country should move to alert level 5 which means if action is not taken, the NHS capacity will be overwhelmed within 21 days.

Despite this all sounding scary once more, there is something positive already coming out of this and that is the approval of the vaccines. So far, the UK has vaccinated more people than the rest of Europe combined and today we woke up to news that a second vaccine has now been approved which is going to speed up the need to get the most vulnerable protected. 

If everyone adheres to these rules, the NHS are hopeful that by the middle of February, those people who fall under the four top priority groups will all have received their injections which means restrictions can start to be lifted and we can start to go back to a tiered system and have more freedom in living again. 

The four categories include:

1) All residents in a care home for older adults and their carers
2) Everyone over the age of 70
3) All frontline health and social care workers
4) Everyone who is clinically extremely vulnerable.

Boris is quite adamant that although we have a tough few weeks ahead, this is the last phase of the struggle we have been going through. Let's just hope he's correct! 

So for now, we just have to do everything we can to look after ourselves and hope that these awful covid numbers come back down and we can find our way out of this for good!