It's 1.30am on Saturday 3rd October and once again I'm finding myself wide awake in bed with all kinds of thoughts racing through my head. It's not the first time this has happened to me. No, infact this is becoming more and more common when I go to bed now to a point where I actually don't want to go to sleep through fear of this happening.
When you suffer with anxiety everything is so much bigger than it probably is and no matter how much you try and adapt the techniques you've learnt or have been taught to deal with it, sometimes it just doesn't work.
Tonight is one of those nights.
It's safe to say this year has been awful. It's been like nothing we have ever experienced, and while I am forever grateful that my family and friends are safe and well, there is still so much going on related to covid that is just damn right scary. It's in my head. All.The.Time! Every inch of my mind is full of it and I can't seem to shake it.
Take tonight for example. I went to the pub with some friends (6 of us in total!) and it was so nice to be out socialising even if we did have to go home at 10pm! Being around people and enjoying the buzz of a pub was a good feeling and we had such a good time.
Then I came home! Now don't get me wrong, I love being at home. I love my house and my neighbours (well 99% of them!) and I love the freedom of doing my own thing. However since covid, things have changed for me and I'm starting to wonder whether I like being on my own as much as I say I do.
Initially I was working when we went into lockdown and I was so busy so my days were going quickly, albeit stressfully! My family were concerned and wanted me to move in with them but the logistics of working from home just made it easier for me to stay at my own house. I made sure I spoke to them everyday though whether it be on video or over the phone. Staying connected to my loved ones was so important more than ever.
I was then furloughed in June which I didn't actually mind because by then I was ready for a break. (Talk about silver linings!) Thankfully not long after, the covid 'bubble' was introduced and, I was finally able to go and be with some of my family. My sister asked me to join her and the day I went round to see her and my niece really was one of the best days of my life! Being able to cuddle someone for the first time since March was euphoric!
Then came the summer holidays and lockdown eased off and we were able to spend more time with our friends and family again. It felt like a lifetime of Christmases had been given to us in one go. Absolutely magical and I felt so happy.
Now schools and universities have reopened and started their new terms. Businesses are slowly getting back into their office environments, shops are open again and things were looking positive.
But now we are spiking again.
The number of people being tested positive for the Coronavirus is on the rise. There have now been 450,000 cases recorded with more than 40,000 deaths in the UK alone. On Friday, 6968 cases were recorded exceeding the first peak back in April, however more testing is available now so it's likely we will see more cases being documented.
This isn't helping my anxiety! We are already under instruction from the Government to socialise in groups of no more than 6 people. Local lockdowns around the country are becoming more common every day and pubs and restaurants are on a 10pm curfew.
I am also waiting to find out the fate of my job. The furlough scheme ends at the end of October and I still don't know if I have a job to go back to.
I've been keeping myself busy during the day but night time is my worst. Going to bed is easy but the moment I get into bed my mind wakes up and reminds me of all the things that are there! I thought a few drinks at the pub this evening would help but it really didn't!
I was talking about it with my mum on Wednesday and she said it's harder for me because I don't have anyone directly to offload on or tell me not to worry. Of course she reassured me that I must pick up the phone whenever I needed to talk, but she made a good point.
It's funny how much we take having someone next to us for granted. Whether it be a partner, family member or friend living at home, or someone at the office you can habe a quick 10 minute vent to, or check in with. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it's making me want to have it more than I've ever wanted it. I've even gone as far as wishing I had a boyfriend just so I have someone to cuddle when I go to bed at night rather than keeping my radio on for comfort!
Don't worry, I'm not pining and I'm not desperate (I don't think, anyway) but I am more aware of having someone in my life now that I can share and go through this with. Trying to find it in the middle of a pandemic is an absolute waste of time though.
The other problem I have is my lack of routine. The bonus of furlough has meant I've been able to completely relax and unwind. I've even got into a little habit of having a more than occasional cat nap in the afternoons which isn't doing my sleep any favours. I have, however, made sure I wake up every day at 8am still (excluding weekends) to try and maintain some kind of system but that doesn't always work. It was only a few days ago I turned my alarm off and the next thing it was 11.45am! That's almost half a days work gone already.
I'm trying to be kind to myself and appreciate the time I have off still. I know I need to talk more about how I'm feeling and see more people, but maybe I need to watch less of the news too!
I'm not in a bad place, infact I feel like I've overcome some big emotional hurdles over the last few months, I just haven't quite dealt with my bedtime anxiety, and at night everything is always so much bigger isn't it?
I guess I'll just keep the radio on for the time being...
