World Mental Health Day

There have been times in my life where I can feel so unbelievably overwhelmed it feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. It digs so deep into my skin I can feel every inch of my body aching and dragging me down. Unexplainable tears roll down my cheeks, food becomes an unhealthy comfort, sleeping becomes a challenge, and my thought process becomes so bleak and tangled I struggle to find a way to explain how I am feeling. The only way to describe my mind is to compare it to the look and sound of snow on a screen when you're trying to tune in a TV channel. It's stifling.

On days like this it's hard to get a grasp on reality and put myself back onto my axis but I have learnt over the last couple of years that it can be done.

I'm not the best at sharing how I feel. I focus more on looking after others than myself but I know now my own self care is just as important and necessary as those around me.

Recent CBT therapy, and the unbelievable love and support from my friends and family, has made me realise just how important it is to share these experiences and feelings. It's also taught me that being open with how I am feeling is a good thing and most importantly, it's absolutely OK to have worrisome days, no matter how big or small the problem is.

I won't lie, there are still days where I struggle with my anxiety, but that's ok; it's a part of who I am. It just means I need to make sure I am surrounding myself with the people who I can lean on, and keep practicing the techniques I have been taught, to help me through it.

To anyone reading this who is struggling, please be reassured, you are not alone. You are an incredible human who is SO loved, SO valued and SO worthy of living a wonderful life. It's ok to not be ok, and there are so many people around you who can help you. It may seem scary to take that step, but trust me, it will be the best thing for you.

Life is short, so please, be kind, help when you can, love hard and let's continue to look out for each other. We're in this together so let's be there for one another. 

#WorldMentalHealthDay2021
#WorldMentalHealthDay
#YouAreLoved
#ItsOkToNotBeOk

Coronavirus entry 49: Freedom, I wont let you down, I will not give you up?

Today is supposed to mark a big day in England. A day that signifies the end of all legal, social and economic restrictions surrounding the Coronavirus. This is the last step in the Government's plan to ease the country out of lockdown, taking us back to a "normal" way of life. Initially planned for 21st June, the decision was made to delay it by 4 weeks because of the rise in cases and hospitalisations. 

The irony of this however, is, yesterday afternoon Boris Johnson announced on his Instagram page that he had been "pinged" by the NHS covid app to say he had been in contact with someone who has tested positive with the virus and as a result, he now has to self isolate for 10 days. He's not the only one either. There has been a surge in the number of people around the country also getting these alerts and I personally know a few people - friends and family - who have received this notification, or have tested positive themselves, despite having both vaccinations. 

As of 17.50 today, the Government website has recorded today's daily figure of positive covid results is 39,950 in the last 24 hours, with 46,024 new cases per day in the last week. There are 4,094 people currently in hospital with the virus, 19 deaths recorded in the last 28 days and a total of 322,170 recorded in the last 7 days. 

It's clear to see we are very much not out of the woods yet. While we have seen nightclubs and bars celebrating this freedom by throwing midnight parties, and emails and updates coming in from businesses and organisations confirming what this means for them, and how they will be moving things back to a "normal" way of operating, there is still very much a responsibility to behold to prevent us going backwards. 

Last week, for example, I started feeling really run down and ended up with a terrible sore throat and cold which saw me spend two days at home lying on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. Of course, I took a lateral flow test at home, in fact, I ended up doing one most days because I wanted to make sure I was ok and not be a risk to anyone around me. Thankfully they were all negative, but I won't lie, I've been feeling incredibly paranoid about it ever since. 

I even did another test this morning after going to my cousin's wedding on Saturday, and while it was very much organised within the realms of what you can and can't do, I was aware that this was the first big event I had been to since we first went into lockdown. Again, it was negative, but I'm already planning to do another tomorrow before I go back to work. Too much? Perhaps, but you just don't know right now.  

So while we should all be embracing our new freedom, it still feels like we are all very much entrapped, and to be honest, I genuinely do not feel like this is the end of the Coronavirus and I'm not quite ready to dance on tables and shout about our freedom when it seems like there is still too much going around. 

For now, if anyone wants me, I will be erring on the side of caution and not rushing into too much of a good thing because right now, I still feel like this Coronavirus is still bad!

Coronavirus entry 48: Happy Birthday to me!

It's my 41st birthday today! My second one throughout this pandemic, however despite certain restrictions in place, I spent yesterday with my family in a covid-safe garden having a bbq and a few vodka's and it was absolutely lovely to be with them. 

I can't believe a whole year has passed since I was celebrating the big 4-0; I really don't know where the time has gone, but here I am 365 days later, seeing life with very different eyes! 

A lot has happened to me over the last 12 months: I was furloughed, I got made redundant, I was offered a part time job which has now been made full time, and I am back in the office at work. There's no doubt about it, the Coronavirus has made me think a LOT about life and where I am with mine and there's no doubt about it, I am in a much happier place today than I was at the start of this pandemic, but I do still carry around a lot of worry. 

Not wanting to get too morbid on my birthday or all days, I have definitely been thinking about death a lot more recently and it's been hard to get out of that thought process when death toll figures are being thrown in our faces every day. It's not something I want to be thinking about but it has made me realise I want to do more with my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life, but I don't feel like I'm living my best. I tend to talk a lot about things I want to do but never actually do anything about it. I've realised now, this has to stop because I'm only restricting myself from opportunities and experiences that are out there waiting for me. Even if I do them on my own, it's time to stop being scared and just live my life so I can share my story. 

I also heard today that zero new covid deaths have been reports in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland today. This is BIG news! For the first time 14 months, this is the news we have all been wanting to hear. I know we are not out of the water yet, but we are definitely in a better place to start living our lives again. 

As I type this moment of reflection, I feel good. I'm looking forward to being able to put plans into action again and making decisions and trying new things. I realise now is the time to start taking more risks and being brave about the decisions I make. Let's hope the rest of 2021 brings more positivity and fingers crossed for some fun times ahead! 

Coronavirus entry 47: Back to the office

Today was a big day for me as it was my first day back at the office since March last year when the Government officially put us into lockdown.

To say I have been feeling anxious is an understatement. I slept terribly all weekend and my stomach was in knots for days so much so I arranged to meet a colleague in the car park just so we could walk in together because she was feeling just as apprehensive. I won't lie, it was a relief to know I wasn't the only person feeling this way! 

However, as soon as we walked in, we were greeted with the sweetest of welcomes. Yes, we had to go through the rigmarole of getting our temperature checked and sanitising our hands but on a big screen TV in our reception area was a 'welcome back' message with our names flashing up too! 

We then got to our desks (which had been moved around to make sure they were covid safe) and sitting there was a blue bag of goodies with a handwritten card from our Directors, a water bottle, a travel coffee cup, anti bac hand gel and wipes and a ridiculous amount of sweets and goodies to snack on! How thoughtful; I was really touched by such a lovely gesture. 

The day itself actually went quite well and it was nice to see people again so hopefully the rest of the week will be OK, and most importantly, I'm hoping to get a better night's sleep this evening!! 

Coronavirus entry 46: Goodbye Prince Philip

Today we watched The Queen say a final farewell to her beloved husband, Prince Philip, as his funeral was aired on television around the world. 

The ceremonial funeral took place at St George's Chapel, in the grounds of Windsor Castle, at 15:00pm, and with current lockdown rules, only 30 people were allowed to attend. We saw The Queen and various members of her family attend, along with 3 members of Prince Philip's German family. 

Where this would have usually been a state funeral, Prince Philip had previously requested a smaller, low key ceremony, which The Queen honoured. There were still wonderful tributes and flowers that had come in though, both on social media, and laid at Buckingham palace. 

Live television coverage began as early as 7am, with other channels and radio stations offering programmes and discussions about the life of the Prince, prior to the funeral starting. 

The military honoured Prince Philip with a 41 gun salute every minute at 1pm, both on land and at sea, at major Cities across the UK, as well as the naval base in Gibraltar, as a mark of respect. 

At 2.15pm the Household Cavalry and Foot Guards lined up at the Quadrangle in Windsor Castle along with military representatives that had special connections with Prince Philip and at 2.40pm the coffin was carried out and place on a Land Rover where Princes Charles, Andrew, Edward and Princess Anne, Princes William and Harry walked behind. Princess Anne's son Peter Phillips, Vice Admiral Sir Tim Laurence and the Earl of Snowdon were also part of the procession, with members of the duke's staff followed behind. The Queen travelled on her own in a state Bentley at the rear of the procession. 

Seeing The Queen alone has without a doubt touched the hearts of everyone. There was a moment as she walked into the Chapel where she stopped and turned around, with many people believing it was her natural reaction to waiting for her husband to join her. We then saw her sitting alone on one of the benches at the front of St George's Chapel, which was absolutely heartbreaking. (This was due to Covid rules).

Prince Philip was lowered into the Royal Vault in the grounds of the Chapel at the end of the ceremony, however out of respect to The Queen and her family, only the start of this was televised. 

It is thought he will lay there until The Queen passes, and will then be moved to lay alongside her at King George VI memorial chapel where her parents' The Queen Mother, King George VI and The Queen's sister, Princess Margaret have all been laid to rest. 

Coronavirus entry 45: Phase 2 of easing lockdown

I think it's safe to say, the majority of people in England are rejoicing today because we have finally made it to phase 2 of the Government's plan to ease us out of lockdown which means pub gardens, gyms, shops and beauty salons have reopened, much to the relief of the business owners and everyone else who is in need of a haircut, a good workout, a new wardrobe and a good catch up over a few drinks with friends! 

Zoos and theme parks are also now open as well so there is a real sense of relief and elation from a lot of people as we mark the start of getting back to life once more. 

I have seen endless photos on social media of people documenting what they have all been doing today. For me though, it was very much the same, working from home all day! I did, however, book in to have a gym induction so that felt good, I have to admit.

There are still a lot of people who are really nervous about all of this and would much rather stick to the isolated lifestyle we have become accustomed to over the last 12 months and it's not surprising really. We are all still very much at risk of getting Covid, and despite this new lifting, the Government are still urging us to be careful. 

Only time will tell, I guess! 

Coronavirus entry 44: RIP Prince Philip

Today the world was shaken with sad news after Buckingham Palace released a statement announcing Prince Philip has died at the age of 99 years. 

Married to Queen Elizabeth for 73 years, Prince Philip had recently been in hospital following ill health but returned home only a few days before he passed away. 

The news was made on The Royal Family's instagram page with the following:

"It is with deep sorrow that Her Majesty The Queen has announced the death of her beloved husband, His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.

His Royal Highness passed away peacefully this morning at Windsor Castle.

The Royal Family join with people around the world in mourning his loss.

Further announcements will be made in due course. Visit www.royal.uk via the link in our bio."

Tributes have been coming in from all over the world since the news broke and despite officials asking the public to stay away from Buckingham Palace for Covid reasons, people have still be laying flowers, and leaving messages, at the gates of the Palace.

The Royal family have now officially gone into mourning whilst arrangements will be made for Prince Philip's funeral.