Ever since lockdown was announced, things have gone to a new level. Everyone is still, quite rightly, feeling raw about the impact of this virus, but oddly enough, there are still people not listening to the advice.
Although we are allowed to leave our homes for exercise and to buy essentials, we have repeatedly been told, the best way to deal with this pandemic, is to treat it as though we all have the Covid-19 virus.
All over social media, on the TV and on radio are messages about staying indoors, and by doing so, we are ultimately saving the NHS by reducing the number of people being admitted to hospital. There are constant posts and news articles about parents who are saying goodbye to their children for the foreseeable future so they can go and work on the front line and be the amazing heroes they are.
Then there are posts about people needing to show more appreciation for those not on the front line, but are still considered key workers, such as people in our postal service, bus and taxi drivers, teachers who are still going into school, delivery drivers and anyone else who cannot work from home in order to do their job.
Now, my problem is I am starting to feel guilty for things that are natural to me, such as wanting to see my family and give them a cuddle, or not wanting to be in a house on my own 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Even knowing I have enough food and supplies to keep me going whilst there are people appealing for help and support because they don't have enough is sending my mind into turmoil. Only a couple of hours ago I watched a video of an American women trying to find nappies for her child and was in tears. It was heartbreaking.
I keep reminding myself of the reasons why we are doing this and how it is all for the greater good, but everytime I start to miss my family, or wish I could see someone, I am hit with an incredible feeling of guilt because here I am, in the walls of my lovely home, warm, fed and safe when there are others battling to save lives and families losing loved ones to this horrendous virus.
Yesterday was the first day I left my house since Monday lunchtime so I could get to the supermarket and even then I felt like I was doing something wrong. I found myself in a dilemma about what would be the best time to go, not wanting to interfere with the times set out for key workers and the elderly and not wanting to see too many people. I even found myself asking my mum if I was being selfish for considering buying a hoover and paper shredder off the internet because they aren't classed as an essential items!
I have barely slept all weekend and have been getting angry at myself for moaning about it because all around me are people working their damn hardest to protect me.
It's a vicious cycle of emotion that I have been going through and as someone who has recently been through CBT therapy, I understand too well the implications of overthinking and over analysing. However it has dawned on me, the guilt I am feeling is only natural, and I'm not trying to take anything away by opening up about it, but I do think it's important to acknowledge. We are not born to be put into isolation; this is alien to us all, so I realise I need to stop being so hard on myself. It's ok to feel like this. It's all part of the process of adjusting to the situation.
Maybe after a good night's sleep, some morning exercise and a good breakfast, I will have regained my composure, but in the meantime, a cup of tea and some week-ahead planning will suffice.
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