Lazy days....

Today I'm having a "really-can't-be-bothered" day! I've got tonight's dinner already in the slow cooker, have a coffee on the go, watching a rather disturbing animation on tv called "Kubo and the Two Strings" and am still in my pjs! 

I've sorted out my washing into piles but am yet to actually put any of it into the machine and was actually planning to go to the gym but I just don't have the energy so I've decided today is going to be one of those nothing days. That's ok though, it's good to have days like these; they're good for the soul! 

All week I've been feeling really sorry for myself because I've had an eye infection which resulted in me ending up in eye casualty on Wednesday. Thankfully though, it's nothing serious and the drops I've been given have worked wonders and I'm starting to look less devil like now! Spending the day with my sister and neice yesterday perked me up too. There's definitely something so special about family time, it really does mean the world to me. 

Perhaps I should give myself a little kick up the bum, afterall I might as well be a little bit productive whilst I'm at home. There are jobs to be done. Perhaps a good shower is in order followed by a dance around the house whilst listening to some music on my Alexa is in order. (We don't need to tell anyone about the latter though!)

Yes, that's what I need! 

"Alexa, play my weekend playlist...."

I dreamed a dream

It's been a long time since I committed to writing a blog on here and it makes me sad everytime I think about it, but there is a reason. 

The last year or two have been emotionally so hard and I have struggled. Rather than using my power of words to help me through it I have completely switched off and broken away from the one place that allows me to express how I feel. 

However, my family and friends have been incredible regardless of how I have been feeling, and have swept me up in much love and support and got me back to a happier place.

The crux of it all happened fourteen months ago when a really good friend of mine passed away in his sleep. That was after losing my Ouma and another friend to suicide the same year. Suffice to say, I broke down and I struggled and everything became a battle. Work was hard, being at home was hard. Everything was hard. I cried. A lot! Everyday felt like I was trying to plough through a force that kept on pulling me back and even on days where I told myself I would be ok, I ended up sobbing.

I was given some time off work and booked an appointment with the doctor who diagnosed me with grief and anxiety and put me on a waiting list for CBT counselling. What followed was numerous blood tests and check ups and I was told I needed to increase my vitamin D intake and was put on a course of folic acid.

It took a while, but I eventually went to group CBT counselling and it helped, but not quite enough. The counsellors said I would benefit from some one to one therapy which I am still going through now. 

Since then, things have most definitely started to improve and I do feel in a better place but I was once again floored this weekend because 
on Friday night, I dreamt about my friend for the first time since he died and it really has put my head in a bit of a spin. 

In this dream it felt so real seeing him. He looked so well, healthy and happy and he was surrounded by so many people that loved him, and I stood there watching him for a while and all I felt was really, really happy.

He soon clocked me though and my happiness turned to nervousness because I couldn't believe he could see me and the anticipation of speaking to him again sent a rush of adrenalin through me. I remember waving to him after he looked over to me and it wasn’t long before I was integrated with him and his loved ones, laughing and smiling along with them. Later on in the dream, he text me to say how happy he was to see me and I remember feling like I had him back again!

Since his death I've always felt like he's been here but more recently I haven't felt him near me and I’ve found myself purposely looking for, and asking for a sign to see if he’s around so when I first woke up from this dream, I actually felt comforted as knew this was the sign I'd wanted. However as the morning went on I started to get quite emotional and ended up in floods of tears because the reality dawned on me once more that he wasn’t here.

I managed to get myself together and go to the gym and kept myself busy for a few hours before going home. Initially I was ok, and busied myself but I still had this dream at the forefront of my mind. I even found myself trying to google the interpretation to see if I could find something in it but it just made me feel more sad.

I then got a text from my sister yesterday afternoon telling me Caroline Flack had died. Talk about a bomb shell. Now, I don't know her but have spent the last how many years watching her present TV shows, and like a lot of famous people, you do feel attached to them and so to hear this news was horrendous. She was my age. I then spent the rwat of the day reading through tributes, articles and posts on social media, feeling really sad and it brought back all the feelings I went through when I found out about my friend and, even right now as I am typing this, I just feel incredibly sad.

I’ve proactively been trying to be more positive since the new year began and it is definitely been making a difference. People are noticing I seem a lot happier but I have to admit there are still times where I struggle and have my emotional moments, but part of my CBT training is finding time to do things to keep myself busy so that I am enjoying myself in all areas of my life and not just focusing on one thing. I think being holed up at home on my own because of storm Dennis probably hasn't done me any favours so I'm definitely going to go out today, even if it's just for an hour to distract myself!

In the meantime, I’m trying to take the positives from my dream. Perhaps this was his way of telling me he’s ok. I’d like to think that’s the case. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel sad, and I have to admit, seeing him look so happy and content did make me feel happy and reassured.

I really hope he comes back into my dreams again soon, for as sad as I feel, it was nice, and I really would love to see him again!

In the meantime, I'm going to carry on focusing on the positive, get writing more on here and hopefully get back into some short stories for you all. I've missed being here. 

I’m going to continue sending out my love and prayers to anyone who is struggling, whatever the reason, and most importantly to those who can't find the strength to talk. If you are in this situation please try to reach out. You may not realise it but you are surrounded by people who love you and want to help and it's ok to ask for that and you'll find things will get better. It may take time, but there is no rush. The important thing is you take the hand of someone near you and let them in. Xx

I get by with a little help from my friends....

Sometimes things happen to us in life that are so unexpected and they floor you to a point of wondering if you’ll ever be able to get up again. This happened to me recently and I was left feeling like a mirror that had shattered into millions of pieces.

I’m not going to divulge the incident because it still pains me to talk about it but what happened was enough to make me question my self worth. Thankfully, the support and love I have received from my family and friends has been incredible and they have helped me through a very difficult few weeks which is something I will always be grateful for. 

Since then, I have been doing a lot of reflecting, a LOT of crying and putting a lot of things into perspective and it’s been a rather cathartic experience. 

Coincidentally, at the same time as doing this, one of my trainers from a fitness group I am a member of, called LPT*, who run a mindfulness page on Facebook added this:

‘The things you struggle and agonise over most,
The things you find most challenging and give you the most sleepless nights,
The things that create the most stress, anxiety and overwhelm...

It’s all these things that provide you the greatest opportunity for personal growth. So, rather than dwell on the big challenges and allow them to pull you down, use these challenges as gifts; as the raw materials for becoming a stronger and more successful individual.'

Not only was this posted at the right time for me, it also made me realise we are constantly going to be up against challenges, whether they are expected or not and how we deal with them is going to have a significant affect on our 
wellbeing. 

I’m not saying every challenge will be a difficult one; but talking about it and sharing your concerns with people you trust is going to have such a positive effect on us as individuals and also help to get is through the tricky times.

Goodbye August; you haven't been my favourite month of 2019 that's for sure, but its time to close your door now and step into a brand new month with a whole new set of opportunities. 

Today is the 1st September and has as given me the chance to restart and refocus on what is important to me, and move forward to a happier place. We only have 4 months left in 2019 and I am vowing to make each one of those months count so I can end the year in a much happier place. I have set myself some personal goals for September, which I will reflect on again at the end of the month/beginning of October.

In the meantime, I am feeling nothing but positive about the next few weeks and I hope as each one passes, I will feel a lot stronger, mentally and physically, too.

*To find out more about LPT, you can visit their Facebook pages here:

Northampton LPT
Kettering LPT

Finding me

I read the above quote by Emily McDowell on Instagram yesterday and it resonated so much with me I've felt compelled to write about it.

I have recently been trying to "find myself" after going on a journey to create a healthier and happier lifestyle for myself. Throughout this time I have been dealing with coming to terms with the loss of loved ones so the last year or so has been possibly one of my hardest. As a result I have found myself feeling a lot more sensitive towards the world.

Over the last few months in particular, I have had to listen to a lot of negative comments from people saying "you need to stop being so emotional" or "you need to toughen up". I've had people try and change the way I work, tell me I need to do this, or do that, and it's got to the point where I am so fed up now.

Why cant people simply appreciate me as me? Yes, maybe I do cry a bit more than the person next to me, maybe I do try and see the good in things rather than the bad, yes I know I'm sensitive, but that's just who I am and if you can't appreciate me for the person I am then what right have you got tell me to change?

I have even gone as far as trying to pinpoint times in my life where I was the most happiest and work out if there were any significant moments in my life that have contributed to me being the "negative" Tanya I am obviously portraying today.

The frustrating thing is, despite the above, I am a decent human being. I know what my weaknesses are but I also know my strengths far outweigh these. I'm kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, loving and have integrity, yet that doesn't seem to matter because it's all about being tough these days.

Thankfully I have the most incredible support network of friends and family around me, who love me for the person I am, despite all my flaws, and I guess in the bigger picture, that's all that matters which is something I need to remember. Everything I am being isn't a bad thing, it's just a combination of who I am and the people who can't see that obviously can't see me.

Tears on my pillow...

Sometimes a good cry is exactly what you need to get rid of those cobwebs that have started clogging up space in your head. That's exactly what happened to me yesterday. I popped in to see my mum after work and ended up in tears over a few things that had been playing on my mind. 

The worst thing about it all is that once I started I couldn't stop. It was like I'd opened the flood gates and forgot to throw myself a life jacket. 

It's not the first time I've ended up in tears on my mum, but usually once they've dried up, I'm ok and can get on with my life again. Last night was different though. Yes, I stopped crying, but round two wasn't far off when I started texting my sister. Once again the tears were falling only this time I was in my bedroom, alone. 

I got over it eventually and went to bed feeling much better, but 2.30am came and I was still wide awake watching YouTube tutorials on how to look more pretty. Yes...there are actually videos out there telling people how they can look and feel more beautiful than they are. By the time I got to the point where miss beauty queen was telling me to add eye shadow to the gaps inbetween my hair when I put it up in  pony tail, reality hit and I wondered why the hell I was drowning myself in such nonsense. Its no wonder so many girls out there feel so bloody insecure.

Five hours later, the alarm went off and I found myself trying desperately hard to get out of bed and face the day but it was a struggle. I did it though. Showered, dressed, makeup on, hair up (minus the eye shadow fill in) smile on my face and off to work I went. 

Work was good, I actually love my job and the people I work with but by the time I was driving home, I found myself dredding walking through the door and I had an uncontrollable sense of sadness overwhelm me. I shook it off though and got on with doing a Jillian Michaels workout DVD then walked round to my brothers to water his flowers as he's currently on holiday with his family. 

As I walked home I started feeling strange. My stomach started churning and getting knotty and I didn't know how to control it. I could feel the tears building up once more but I refused to start crying in public, and on my own. Instead I got home, made myself a salad for dinner and sat in silence watching George Clarke and his amazing houses, or something of that nature. 

I now find myself writing on here and I'm not really sure why. Its hardly page turning material. Perhaps I'm just taking the advice of a friend to get writing again so at least whatever I am feeling leaves my mind somehow. Afterall, better out than in. I think maybe a bubble bath is needed...and maybe one more cry, but the thought of doing that is making my stomach churn again. 

Catch 22 perhaps?

Leave a light on

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I wake up suddenly from a terrifying dream. The sky is full of beautiful orange lanterns that very quickly turn into guns that start shooting at me and those I'm with. I try and run for cover whilst screaming out for my brother and sister to make sure they're close by and safe. Someone tells me they're ok and then pushes me to the ground as more bullets start hitting the floor around us...

It's not the first time I've had this dream, however this time the only difference was the location. Where it was, I don't know, but it wasn't the same as before, however what happened was identical.

According to an online dream dictionary (yes I went there...!) lanterns represent feelings and wisdom to guide through life's journey. (Not bad!) Terror indicates unresolved fears or doubts that need to be confronted (hmmmm...) and to dream someone is shooting at you with a gun means I am experiencing some confrontation in my waking life. A gun also represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. (Oh dear!)

The worst thing about waking up from a dream like this is not having anyone to calm me down.....and that is tough because when your heart is racing at a million miles per hour and tears are uncontrollably falling down your cheeks, asking for comfort from someone next to you would usually help the situation. Instead I find myself, through sheer desperation, sending out a tweet in the hope that someone, somewhere, reads it and can help my troubled mind to relax and get back to sleep. Pathetic, I know. Of course, nobody does reply (well, not until 3 hours later) and so I am left sitting in bed trying to console myself in the dark by scrolling through an online dream dictionary that could well and truly be a load of rubbish!

I'm not sure why I had that dream, but there's obviously a reason given it's repetition. It reminds me of a recurring nightmare I had as a child where I walk into a dark room to screams coming from my mum, dad, brother and sister, all desperately asking me to save them from a locked cage while a giant green Dragon is blaring fire out of its mouth towards them.

I never understood that one either; but given my mum and dad are now divorced, I do wonder whether it was my inner consciousness trying desperately hard to save my family before it became a reality. Who knows?

I have been sensibly mulling over my life choices lately and looking at where my future is heading so I guess it makes sense that lanterns made a gentle appearance. As for the terror and guns though...that's probably the anxiety I carry around with me on a daily basis, which has been somewhat rife of late. Maybe that's the terror. But guns? I'm just not sure? We did get into a rather heated debate at work this week about people who would cheat if they could get away with it, and I have to admit, it left me feeling all kinds of angry and sad. Maybe on a deeper level it affected me more than I thought?

They're funny things, dreams. I have so many yet it always seems to be the most painful ones that stick in my mind; it's quite sad when you think about it. Why the bad dreams? Why can't the nice ones resonate so powerfully?

I'm hoping by sharing it here I can get rid of it, after all I have enough noise going on in my head as it is without adding dream trauma into the mix!

Fingers crossed tonight is better...

Smear Fear

Over the last few days I've been listening intently to the news that more women than ever are refusing to turn up to their smear tests because they are embarrassed about it. As someone in her late thirties who routinely has smear tests, I feel compelled to reach out to those who are making the decision not to get them done. 

If you have never had one done before, I can completely understand why you would be feeling apprehensive, and I can also understand if it may be your second, third, or even tenth time and you're still feeling like that. 

Let's face it, lying on a bed in a doctor's surgery with your lower body on show for a nurse who is going to insert a weird contraption into you and scrape away cells from your cervix doesn't exactly make for a comfortable experience. Even I feel vulnerable and embarrassed whenever I get mine done, but we need to be practical about this. Would you rather spend 10 mins every three years feeling a little bit embarrassed going through the process of a smear test, or deal with the consequences of what could happen if you are not tested? 

I know that may sound harsh, but I want to reach out and put a bit of perspective on this, and if what I am writing helps just one woman out there, then I will be happy. 

Remember, when you go for your smear test, you are seeing a nurse or doctor who does these tests all the time. To that practitioner, it is simply another routine procedure they do day in and day out. They are not there to judge or make comment and they will do their up most to make you feel comfortable and at ease. It's very quick and despite how you may feel at the time, the moment it is done you will feel so much more relieved and happy you have gone through with it. 

So if, while you are reading this, you are one of those girls who has cancelled or not turned up to your smear test, please rethink your decision. It really isn't as bad as you may think and you'll thank yourself in the long term for going through with it. If I could come with you for moral support, or at least be on hand with a large glass of wine afterwards, I really would, but I am with you in spirit fully supporting you through this. 

We can do this ladies, let's confront the fear and do good for our health. 2018 is the year of the woman, so I'm uniting with you all and encouraging you to book in for your smear tests. 

Let's do this! xx