Coronavirus entry 42: Monday blues

Today has been an odd day. It started when I woke up....actually, scrap that. It started at about 6pm last night. I suddenly started to feel really overwhelmed to a point where I got into bed an hour later because I didn't know what to do with myself. 

I went through the usual plethora of things I do when I feel like this starting with the standard questions:

Has something happened?

Am I worrying about something? 

Where am I now?

Am I safe? 

I then did some breathing exercises and gentle stretches, washed my face, had a glass of water and did some more concentrated breathing and to be fair that did help. 

I slept relatively well albeit waking up a couple of times in the night, but that's normal for me. It was only when my alarm went off that I realised I was still feeling really crappy! 

I normally set 4 alarms every day but by the second one I'm ready to get out of bed and start my day. Today was different though. All four alarms went off and I still couldn't get up. Thankfully my radio was on and I suddently heard it was coming up for 8am, but all that did was cause panic to set in as I realised I only had 30 mins to get ready for a meeting. Thank goodness I'm still working from home....and thank God for dry shampoo!

I did it though but as soon as my laptop went on I sat at my desk and had an uncontrollable urge to start crying. This was not what how I envisaged my Monday to begin. I held it together, and with a big cup of coffee, I got through the meeting, but that awful sickie feeling was lingering and I could feel it getting worse.

I tried reasoning with myself and it did help for a bit but I just felt overcome with Monday blues and all I wanted to do was go back to bed! I mentioned it to a colleague when we were having a catch up but played it down as I didn't want to start crying. To be fair she was really sweet and again it did help but my stomach was still doing somersaults. 

By lunchtime I decided some fresh air would be good so I went for a walk to clear my head. I usually listen to music whenever I walk but today the thought of putting earphones in my ears agitated me so I didn't bother. 

It was a nice walk. The sun was out and it was a bit chilly too but I like that feeling. I did a nice route too, just under 3k, so enough to get a good bit of fresh air. 

I felt better when I got home but it didn't last long. The churning in my stomach soon came back and I could feel the tears building up again. My head was starting to feel like tv snow and it was really making me feel on edge. I drank more water and did more breathing but by 5pm I was exhausted. 

I logged off my laptop and sunk myself into a bubble bath, laying there for ages wondering why on earth I felt so off balance. I then lay on my bed for about an hour, questioning whether to bother having dinner but then I suddenly felt really hungry so knew I should! 

It's now time to go to bed and I'm still feeling all kinds of strange. For whatever reason I haven't been able to shake this feeling today so the best thing I can do is go to sleep and just hope I feel better in the morning! 

Coronavirus entry 41: Where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been nearly two months since my last blog - where has that time gone? I had such an outpouring of love after my last post which found me ranting and raving about how annoyed I was feeling, and it made me realise just how lucky I am to have the most incredible people in my life. Friends and family got in touch to check in on me, I had people messaging me on Facebook and some even reaching out on Twitter to make sure I was ok. Honestly, it was a lovely feeling.

A lot has happened since then too. The Government have began a 4 step programme to ease us out of lockdown, starting tomorrow (8th March) where all children and students will return to school and college. There has been a lot of at home celebrating on social media this weekend from parents who have been congratulating each other on a job well done, but are very much looking forward to the teachers taking over now! The Government are also toying with the idea of keeping schools open over the summer holidays to allow for catch up classes, however I personally don't agree because I think teachers and pastoral leads have been working hard enough to do their job, and they now need a break as much as everyone else does. Whether it happens will remain to be seen. 

We also bid a final farewell to Sir Captain Tom Moore, who sadly passed away on 2nd February after being treated for Pneumonia and testing positive for Covid-19. This wonderful man came to the attention of us, not just the United Kingdom, but to everyone around the world, after he decided to raise money for the NHS by walking 100 lengths of his garden in the lead up to his 100th birthday. His initial goal was £1000 but in the end he raised over £32 million and touched the hearts of us all! 

On a more personal level, I have now gone back to full time work after being furloughed in June last year, getting made redundant in October but being offered a part time role. After a meeting with one of my Directors, it became apparent that there was enough work for me to do, and so I accepted and last week was my first week back! It's nice because it also means I will start getting more money from the end of this month too. It's all slowly coming back together! 

The most important thing to happen to me was on Friday, I received the first of two covid vaccinations. I was sent a text message from my doctor's surgery a week ago, and to be fair I thought it was a scam because my age range (40 - 49) are only scheduled to be done by the end of June. In fact, there are people who are older than me who are still waiting for their vaccinations, so it was a bit of a shock when I got called for mine but when I spoke to my surgery they said it was legitimate so I booked in. On Friday lunchtime at 12.30pm I was given the Astrazeneca vaccine. I will now get called up again in 12 weeks time for the second round. 

I've had a few side effects this weekend, mainly a sore arm where they injection went in, but also a few headache twinges and feeling really tired. I spent most of yesterday lying on the sofa reading my book, and it was only when I got up to cook dinner that I felt like I was coming down with the flu and all I wanted to do was get into bed. I don't actually think I've cooked and eaten dinner so quickly before. Infact, I was in bed by 7.30pm dosing up on paracetamol. Despite a bad nights sleep, it seems to have passed and all I am dealing with today is a sore arm so hopefully by tomorrow I will be ok! The nurse did say they were the typical symptoms though so I'm not worried. 

So tomorrow is quite a significant day in the shift to come out of lockdown. Fingers crossed this plan will work and we can all be back with our friends and family very soon. It's a nice thought, that's for sure!                                                                                                           

Coronavirus entry 40: Fed up!

Ok so there’s no other way to start today’s blog that to get straight to the point. 

I am FED UP! 

I’m fed up of Covid now! I’m fed of how it is affecting my friends and family; I’m fed up of feeling exhausted even though I’m exercising regularly and actually sleeping quite well at the moment. I’m fed up of having to stay indoors, I’m fed up of the eye infection that is preventing me from wearing any makeup and contributing to me looking like an ugly duckling on Zoom, and I’m fed up that I have run out of dry shampoo and paracetamol!

I was texting my Slimming World leader this morning and we got onto the conversation of the dry shampoo situation and I told her I can’t even get any on Amazon because it’s all sold out. Next thing I know, she’s sending me a link to buy some…on Amazon. Bless her heart! Why couldn’t I see that? I tell you why, it’s because I’M FED UP!

I’m fed up of the dry, flaky skin on my face too. Why have I got that? It’s not like I don’t use moisturiser – in fact I’m using that as much as I’m washing my bloody hands at the moment. And why the hell does my face look so red all the time? Even when I do put foundation on, my face still looks like a beetroot. WHY DAMMIT, WHY? 

I’m fed up of the weather. It’s been raining again today and its bloody miserable outside. I realised last night I haven’t been on a holiday since October 2018 so that’s something else that has added to my misery today! Oh look, it's actually snowing now - i seriously can't make this up!

I know I sound like a selfish madam right now and if I am offending anyone with this post, then feel free to tell me and I will apologise. I don’t want to upset or anger anyone, but if I don’t get these feelings out of me somehow, I’m worried they will fester and that’s when the anxiety will rear its ugly head, and quite frankly, I’ve put my family and friends through enough of that over the last couple of years. 

So here I am, using the skills learnt during my CBT therapy and writing a convoluted entry trying to explain how I feel in the hope that once I have finished getting it out of my system, I will be able read back and find a better way to deal with it. 

By lunchtime today I was so wound up that I decided to have another shower during my break and I did what I should have done this morning and washed my hair in the hope it would make me feel better. It was only after I had dried my hair that I started thinking it was actually doing the job and if I wasn’t being so bloody lazy this morning, maybe all of this could have been prevented. Cue the tears...honestly, I’m not even joking, I bloody well started crying didn’t I. FFS, it’s not even like I’m hormonal either!

Anyway, my working day has finished now, I've got my feelings out and I'm off to do some stretching in the hope that it will make me feel a bit more relaxed. Maybe I should remind myself how bloody lucky I am too and stop being so selfish with these “I’m fed up” statements. 

Coronavirus entry 39: A lockdown New Year!

We are now four days into 2021 and Boris Johnson this evening addressed the country to confirm that as of tomorrow, we will once again be going into a National lockdown and it is expected to last until the middle of February. 

In all honesty, his speech was somewhat disconcerting given the numbers he used to back up his decision. Scientists have confirmed the new variant of the virus is 50-70% more transmissible which means it is much more likely to catch and pass it on. Hospitals are under more pressure than when they were hit with this back in March last year, and in England alone, the number of Covid patients in hospital has increased by nearly a third in the last week to almost 27,000 which is 40% higher than the first peak in April. 

A new record of positive Covid cases was made on 29th December where more than 80,000 people tested positive across the UK. The number of deaths have also increased by 27% over the last week and it's looking to rise further.

Boris believes the only way we can get this under control while the vaccine is rolled out, is to put us back into a National lockdown. We are only allowed to leave our homes to shop for essentials, to go to work but only if there is no other option to work from home, to exercise, for medical assistance or to escape domestic abuse. Clinically and extremely vulnerable people must start to shield again too. 

Primary and secondary schools and colleges across England have to go back to remote learning but vulnerable children, and those of key workers can still attend. Although children are at less risk of catching it, they are prone to be carriers and so to reduce the risk of them bringing the virus home, it has been decided that it will be safer to keep as many children at home as possible. Free school meals will still be available to those who need them while schools are closed and more devices will be distributed to support remote learning. 

The Government also recognises it will not be fair for all exams to go ahead this summer because of all the disruption, and so the Education Secretary will work with OFQUAL (The Office of Qualifications and Examinations Regulation) to put alternative arrangements in place. 

There wasn't any mention of Universities though and already there has been a big outcry from students on social media about the lack of support they have received and a demand for fees to be refunded. 

The United Kingdom of Chief Medical Officers advised the Prime Minister that the country should move to alert level 5 which means if action is not taken, the NHS capacity will be overwhelmed within 21 days.

Despite this all sounding scary once more, there is something positive already coming out of this and that is the approval of the vaccines. So far, the UK has vaccinated more people than the rest of Europe combined and today we woke up to news that a second vaccine has now been approved which is going to speed up the need to get the most vulnerable protected. 

If everyone adheres to these rules, the NHS are hopeful that by the middle of February, those people who fall under the four top priority groups will all have received their injections which means restrictions can start to be lifted and we can start to go back to a tiered system and have more freedom in living again. 

The four categories include:

1) All residents in a care home for older adults and their carers
2) Everyone over the age of 70
3) All frontline health and social care workers
4) Everyone who is clinically extremely vulnerable.

Boris is quite adamant that although we have a tough few weeks ahead, this is the last phase of the struggle we have been going through. Let's just hope he's correct! 

So for now, we just have to do everything we can to look after ourselves and hope that these awful covid numbers come back down and we can find our way out of this for good! 

Coronavirus entry 38: Where are we now?

Wow, it's been nearly 8 weeks since my last post and so much has happened, so let me get up to speed. 

1) Lockdown 2.0 lasted the 4 weeks Boris promised and it ended at 00.01am on 3rd December, however the Government put us all back into a strict 3 tier system, depending on what the figures were like in each region. As a result, most of the country were in either tier 2 or 3 and Northamptonshire went into tier 2 which meant:

• You cannot mix with another household indoors
• You can meet up to six people from another household outdoors
• Overnight stays are permitted only with your household or support bubble
• Walk and cycle wherever possible and avoid travelling to Tier 3 areas
• You must work from home if you can
• Pubs must close unless operating as restaurants

2) We finally got official approval for the Covid-19 vaccine to be rolled out and on 8th December, Margaret Keenan, a UK Grandmother of 4, who was only a week off turning 91, was the first person in the world to to be given the injection. She had the first of 800,000 doses of the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine that has since been dispensed. There are two jabs to have and you are not fully immune until the second has taken place, and you need to wait for three weeks before that can take place, but yesterday (29th December), Margaret had her second vaccine and hopefully now that means she will be able to spend time with, and most importantly, hug her grandchildren again. 

3) Apart from the vaccine, I spent most of my time away from Covid news because, quite frankly, it was starting to get to me and I wanted some time away from the negativity so I invested my time on Christmas shopping, baking, watching lots of Christmas movies and doing lots of walking. It was lovely! 

4) The Government announced the tier system could be relaxed between 24th and 28th December to allow up to 3 groups of families to be together over Christmas which was great news, despite a lot of people calling for the strict measures to remain in place. However, on 23rd December, Boris made a shock announcement that this was cancelled and as of Boxing Day, the tier system was back in force, this time, with Northampton going into Tier 3. This meant everyone had to change their plans and basically stay at home, apart from Christmas Day where the original bubble was still in place. Thankfully, I had arranged to go to my mum's so we could still carry on with that. 

The tier 3 rules are:

• You can't mix indoors, in private gardens or in most outdoor venues, except with your household or bubble
• You can meet in a group of up to six in other outdoor spaces, such as parks, beaches or countryside
• Shops, gyms and personal care services (such as hairdressing) can stay open, as can swimming pools
• Bars, pubs, cafes and restaurants must stay closed, except for delivery and takeaway
• Collective worship can take place - with no mixing outside your bubble
• Small wedding ceremonies can take place, but not receptions
• Sports fans cannot attend events in stadiums
• Indoor entertainment venues - such as bowling alleys and cinemas - must stay closed
• People are advised not to travel to and from tier three areas

5) Today is now 30th December, and the tier structure was reviewed once more, and as of tomorrow, most of the UK has been put into tier 4, including Northamptonshire, which basically means nobody will be having big parties to see in the New Year, and once again, it will be quiet celebrations all round. 

Tier 4 rules are:

• Residents should stay at home, unless they have a "reasonable excuse" such as work or education
• All non-essential shops must close
• Hairdressers and nail bars must close
• Indoor entertainment venues must close
• Gyms and indoor swimming pools, indoor sports courts and dance studios must close
• You cannot meet other people indoors, unless you live with them or they are part of your support bubble
• People should not leave tier four areas or travel abroad, except for limited reasons (including work and education)
• Weddings and civil partnership ceremonies are only allowed in exceptional circumstances

BBC News reported in the week up to 25 December, government figures showed infection rates per 100,000 people rose in six of the counties seven districts (compared with the week to 18 December):

• Northampton: 366.9 (up from 291.6)
• South Northamptonshire: 354.5 (up from 291)
• Wellingborough: 267.2 (down from 281)
• Daventry: 256 (up from 180.3)
• East Northamptonshire: 220 (up from 165)
• Kettering: 213.2 (up from 165.1)
• Corby: 200.8 (up from 150.9)
• The average rate for England in the same period was 402.6.

It really hasn't come as a surprise to any of us that we have been put into this tier, and yet there are still so many people complaining about it. I understand that everyone is getting fed up of these restrictions now but if everyone listened to the rules, it could be a different story. 

I've already had an email from work to say we will continue to work from home in the New Year (we had planned to go back into the office). Schools are staggering their return and teachers are being told to test pupils with symptoms now too. 

It very much feels like we have gone one step forward and two steps back with this. When this was first reported on a year ago, none of us thought this would follow. We have seen so many moments where it seems like we are coming out of this, and the Government seems confident that my Spring we will be in a better place, but now there is a new version on the virus doing the founds, I just don't know what is going to happen. It's very clear though, this is going to be around for a long time still, and where we are usually starting to set new year's resolutions and feeling positive for a new year ahead, it feels very uncertain. 

I really hope 2021 has the positive move it needs to improving this situation we are in and hopefully we can start to live our lives in a much healthier and safer place. I don't think we have it in us to go through another year like this one, then again, we all need to make sure we are doing our bit to prevent that from happening. 

What next year will bring, I don't know, but I'm still going to go into it feeling positive and hope that we can find our way out of this crisis sooner rather than later. However you are celebrating your New Years Eve, and whoever you get to be with, stay safe and lets hope the next 12 months are going to be better than the last. 

Coronavirus entry 37: Lockdown 2.0

So here we are again; back in lockdown! Boris has got us locked up for another 4 weeks because the Virus is starting to get out of control again and so we have all been told to stay indoors for another 4 weeks in an attempt to reduce figures before Christmas. 

The good thing is this time it's only 4 weeks (fingers crossed, at least!) and we are allowed to mix with 3 other households for Christmas so at least that means families can still see each other, despite the mixed reactions of some people who think it's the wrong thing to do. 

I'm feeling quite positive about the next four weeks, and think that if we can all just stick it out then hopefully come the new year we will be in a better place. I'm going to focus less on this virus and more on my diet and fitness. I want to lose a bit more weight before Xmas and it will do me some good to focus on something other than being kept indoors for the next month.

Roll on 3rd December...

Coronavirus entry 36: Night-time anxiety

It's 1.30am on Saturday 3rd October and once again I'm finding myself wide awake in bed with all kinds of thoughts racing through my head. It's not the first time this has happened to me. No, infact this is becoming more and more common when I go to bed now to a point where I actually don't want to go to sleep through fear of this happening.

When you suffer with anxiety everything is so much bigger than it probably is and no matter how much you try and adapt the techniques you've learnt or have been taught to deal with it, sometimes it just doesn't work. 

Tonight is one of those nights.

It's safe to say this year has been awful. It's been like nothing we have ever experienced, and while I am forever grateful that my family and friends are safe and well, there is still so much going on related to covid that is just damn right scary. It's in my head. All.The.Time! Every inch of my mind is full of it and I can't seem to shake it.

Take tonight for example. I went to the pub with some friends (6 of us in total!) and it was so nice to be out socialising even if we did have to go home at 10pm! Being around people and enjoying the buzz of a pub was a good feeling and we had such a good time.

Then I came home! Now don't get me wrong, I love being at home. I love my house and my neighbours (well 99% of them!) and I love the freedom of doing my own thing. However since covid, things have changed for me and I'm starting to wonder whether I like being on my own as much as I say I do.

Initially I was working when we went into lockdown and I was so busy so my days were going quickly, albeit stressfully! My family were concerned and wanted me to move in with them but the logistics of working from home just made it easier for me to stay at my own house. I made sure I spoke to them everyday though whether it be on video or over the phone. Staying connected to my loved ones was so important more than ever.

I was then furloughed in June which I didn't actually mind because by then I was ready for a break. (Talk about silver linings!) Thankfully not long after, the covid 'bubble' was introduced and, I was finally able to go and be with some of my family. My sister asked me to join her and the day I went round to see her and my niece really was one of the best days of my life! Being able to cuddle someone for the first time since March was euphoric!

Then came the summer holidays and lockdown eased off and we were able to spend more time with our friends and family again. It felt like a lifetime of Christmases had been given to us in one go. Absolutely magical and I felt so happy.

Now schools and universities have reopened and started their new terms. Businesses are slowly getting back into their office environments, shops are open again and things were looking positive.

But now we are spiking again.

The number of people being tested positive for the Coronavirus is on the rise. There have now been 450,000 cases recorded with more than 40,000 deaths in the UK alone. On Friday, 6968 cases were recorded exceeding the first peak back in April, however more testing is available now so it's likely we will see more cases being documented.

This isn't helping my anxiety! We are already under instruction from the Government to socialise in groups of no more than 6 people. Local lockdowns around the country are becoming more common every day and pubs and restaurants are on a 10pm curfew.

I am also waiting to find out the fate of my job. The furlough scheme ends at the end of October and I still don't know if I have a job to go back to.

I've been keeping myself busy during the day but night time is my worst. Going to bed is easy but the moment I get into bed my mind wakes up and reminds me of all the things that are there! I thought a few drinks at the pub this evening would help but it really didn't!

I was talking about it with my mum on Wednesday and she said it's harder for me because I don't have anyone directly to offload on or tell me not to worry. Of course she reassured me that I must pick up the phone whenever I needed to talk, but she made a good point.

It's funny how much we take having someone next to us for granted. Whether it be a partner, family member or friend living at home, or someone at the office you can habe a quick 10 minute vent to, or check in with. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it's making me want to have it more than I've ever wanted it. I've even gone as far as wishing I had a boyfriend just so I have someone to cuddle when I go to bed at night rather than keeping my radio on for comfort!

Don't worry, I'm not pining and I'm not desperate (I don't think, anyway) but I am more aware of having someone in my life now that I can share and go through this with. Trying to find it in the middle of a pandemic is an absolute waste of time though.

The other problem I have is my lack of routine. The bonus of furlough has meant I've been able to completely relax and unwind. I've even got into a little habit of having a more than occasional cat nap in the afternoons which isn't doing my sleep any favours. I have, however, made sure I wake up every day at 8am still (excluding weekends) to try and maintain some kind of system but that doesn't always work. It was only a few days ago I turned my alarm off and the next thing it was 11.45am! That's almost half a days work gone already.

I'm trying to be kind to myself and appreciate the time I have off still. I know I need to talk more about how I'm feeling and see more people, but maybe I need to watch less of the news too!

I'm not in a bad place, infact I feel like I've overcome some big emotional hurdles over the last few months, I just haven't quite dealt with my bedtime anxiety, and at night everything is always so much bigger isn't it?

I guess I'll just keep the radio on for the time being...