Coronavirus entry 3: Feeling guilty

Ever since lockdown was announced, things have gone to a new level. Everyone is still, quite rightly, feeling raw about the impact of this virus, but oddly enough, there are still people not listening to the advice. 

Although we are allowed to leave our homes for exercise and to buy essentials, we have repeatedly been told, the best way to deal with this pandemic, is to treat it as though we all have the Covid-19 virus.

All over social media, on the TV and on radio are messages about staying indoors, and by doing so, we are ultimately saving the NHS by reducing the number of people being admitted to hospital. There are constant posts and news articles about parents who are saying goodbye to their children for the foreseeable future so they can go and work on the front line and be the amazing heroes they are. 

Then there are posts about people needing to show more appreciation for those not on the front line, but are still considered key workers, such as people in our postal service, bus and taxi drivers, teachers who are still going into school, delivery drivers and anyone else who cannot work from home in order to do their job. 

Now, my problem is I am starting to feel guilty for things that are natural to me, such as wanting to see my family and give them a cuddle, or not wanting to be in a house on my own 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Even knowing I have enough food and supplies to keep me going whilst there are people appealing for help and support because they don't have enough is sending my mind into turmoil. Only a couple of hours ago I watched a video of an American women trying to find nappies for her child and was in tears. It was heartbreaking. 

I keep reminding myself of the reasons why we are doing this and how it is all for the greater good, but everytime I start to miss my family, or wish I could see someone, I am hit with an incredible feeling of guilt because here I am, in the walls of my lovely home, warm, fed and safe when there are others battling to save lives and families losing loved ones to this horrendous virus. 

Yesterday was the first day I left my house since Monday lunchtime so I could get to the supermarket and even then I felt like I was doing something wrong. I found myself in a dilemma about what would be the best time to go, not wanting to interfere with the times set out for key workers and the elderly and not wanting to see too many people. I even found myself asking my mum if I was being selfish for considering buying a hoover and paper shredder off the internet because they aren't classed as an essential items! 

I have barely slept all weekend and have been getting angry at myself for moaning about it because all around me are people working their damn hardest to protect me. 

It's a vicious cycle of emotion that I have been going through and as someone who has recently been through CBT therapy, I understand too well the implications of overthinking and over analysing. However it has dawned on me, the guilt I am feeling is only natural, and I'm not trying to take anything away by opening up about it, but I do think it's important to acknowledge. We are not born to be put into isolation; this is alien to us all, so I realise I need to stop being so hard on myself. It's ok to feel like this. It's all part of the process of adjusting to the situation.

Maybe after a good night's sleep, some morning exercise and a good breakfast, I will have regained my composure, but in the meantime, a cup of tea and some week-ahead planning will suffice. 

Coronavirus entry 2: Showing appreciation

You'll have to excuse this post if it's a bit rambly, but I'm feeling rather emotional right now. This evening a nationwide acknowledgment took place where people were invited to stand in their gardens, on their front porch or simply in their home and in unity, clap their hands as a sign of showing support to all of the care workers currently working all hours of the day to help deal with the Coronavirus pandemic.

Since my last post four days ago, the whole of the United Kingdom have gone into lockdown for a minimum of 3 weeks, and everyone, apart from those identified as key workers have to stay in their own homes in an attempt to reduce the number of people who are being diagnosed with, and dying from, this disease. 

Key workers are those in Health and Social Care, Education and Childcare, Public Services, Government, Food Services, Public Safety and National Security, Transport, Utilities, Communication and Financial Service.

I, along with so many other people, are having to adjust to working from home and staying inside away from friends and family, whilst there are still so many people out there putting their lives at risk to help others. Whilst it's been a strange few days getting used to the idea of literally being on my own for the next few weeks, the support people are showing one another is phenomenal. 

Facebook support groups have been set up, organisations are offering free access to their exercise and mental health apps, the use of video messaging and live chat has soared, but most of all, people are just being a lot more kinder to one another and appreciative of those who can help during this time. Yes, the demand for food supplies are still great, but everyone is pulling together to try and do what they can.

The only exceptions we have for leaving our homes are to go to the shops to buy essential items, to pick up prescriptions, and for exercise, such as going for a walk, run or bike ride. With all of these, staying a strict distance of 2 metres from other people must be enforced. Going out to see friends or family, or attending social events have been forbidden.

So while this pandemic is still erupting around us, and whilst households are dealing with a new kind of chaos, somewhere in the middle, an idea was put together to show our appreciation for those who have given up their time to make sure we are looked after. At 8pm this evening, people stood outside and clapped. And what an incredible thing it was. I stood in my garden clapping and all around me I could hear others doing the same, as well as banging pots and pans together, cheering, whistling and screaming. Someone was even beeping their car horn and I could hear the odd firework going off too. 

What we are dealing with right now is something we only ever thought would happen in movies, and whilst the nation has been in mass panic, what happened this evening is a reminder of the love and support we all have for people in this situation. Tonight we joined together in solidarity and it was wonderfully emotional and I really hope we can continue to show support like this and work together to do our bit to bring an end to this situation. 

Coronavirus entry 1: It's here

Never have I been more concerned about the world we live in than the way I am right now. Currently, we are going through a pandemic called Covid-19, also known as Coronavirus. 

Originating in China, the virus has already seen its origin country go into lockdown, followed by Italy, France, Spain, Ireland, Belgium, Germany and some states in America including New York, California, Illinois, Connecticut, New Jersey and Ohio. Other countries including Australia and New Zealand are close to doing the same and it's looking more likely that the UK will follow, along with many other countries world-wide.

To date, 281 people have died in the UK since it broke here at the end of January and 5,683 people have been confirmed as having the virus. It's believed it started from an infected bat that got passed to humans, however the cause still isn't entirely clear. Symptoms include a fever, tiredness and dry cough, shortness of breath, aches and pains and sore throat; all very similar to a common cold. Most people who contract the virus will recover, however it is having a significant effect on the elderly and those already with pre-existing medical conditions eg cardiovascular disease, diabetes, chronic respiratory disease, and cancer. 

Vulnerable people are in isolation with immediate effect, and anyone with these symptoms, have been told to self isolate for 14 days. Those who don't have symptoms, or are not classed as "high risk" have to social distance which means keeping at least 2 meters away from people....a little difficult for those still having to go to work.

The Government have closed schools with the exception of children of key workers and so children are now having to be educated from home. All exams have been cancelled and GCSE's and A Levels are being marked based on predicted grades, rather than exams. Pubs, restaurants, gyms. cinemas and theatres have been ordered to close and for the first time in 700 years, Churches are no longer opening for mass, instead sermons are taking place over the internet.

Mass panic has swept the country and supermarkets have sold out of supplies. Restrictions on how many products you can buy, if you can get hold of them, are being enforced, and rules are in place now so that the elderly and NHS workers have priority over the rest of us, just to give them a chance to buy what they need. 

We are living in a very confusing and unpredictable world right now and it is scary and worrying. So many decisions are having to be made. Shops and businesses are closing, many people are working from home and every day, we are seeing a rise in the number of deaths.

Despite everything we are being told, so many people are still carrying on as though nothing is wrong. The weather this weekend has been lovely - probably the best we've had so far this year, and so people have been going out and about to enjoy the fresh air. Although this is something we can still do, unfortunately, there have been a lot of people ignoring the social distancing rule, which has caused so much frustration and anger for many people. 

Things are changing every hour. Life is unpredictable right now but there are as always, so many people trying to do good and help. Coffee shops and various takeaway businesses are offering free hot drinks and meals to NHS staff, local support groups have been set up on Facebook and there have been a plethora of people offering free online exercise classes and mindfulness events to help people stay fit and healthy in such a troubled time. 

It's staggering to see what impact this is having on the world, and I just hope it's something we can get hold of and stable sooner rather than later. 

Remember to be kind

Over the last month, so many people in this country have been absolutely devastated by the sad news that TV presenter, Caroline Flack, took her own life. As a collective, we have seen an influx of people re-emphasising the message that we all need to remember to be kind and a little more aware of our words and how much of an impact they can have on a person. 

We have seen an increase of donations being made to The Samaritans and conversations overheard about the #BeKind movement and #CarolinesLaw, in an effort to bring our moral compass back to a place where people can feel safe and protected, despite the battles they are facing. 

At the same time, we have also been learning more every day of the sudden outbreak of Covid-19, also known as the Coronavirus. Sky News reported there are now 798 confirmed cases in the UK with a confirmed number of 11 people who have now died from the virus too.
Whilst the Government are moving into phase 2 of their plan to deal with this virus, Boris Johnson made an incredibly disturbing speech yesterday saying it was "the worst public health crisis for a generation" and warned many families they would "lose loved ones before their time".

Schools in Ireland are now closed, schools in the UK are cancelling trips, sporting events are being postponed or cancelled and businesses are making decisions to cancel their own events and put measures in place if a call for isolation is essential. I saw a small business owner being attacked on Facebook this morning after deciding to cancel a trip away that had been organised. Despite a notice stating they were still looking into the next steps, the comments being left were soul destroying and so hurtful. It broke my heart. 

This week we have also seen people physically fighting with each other in supermarkets over toilet paper and shouting abuse at one another for bulk buying antibacterial gel and food products. It’s become an absolute shamble.

The sad thing is right now, more than ever, we need to all be a little more kinder to one another. We are living in uncertain times and it’s understandably worrying. I can comprehend why people are getting upset about events that are being cancelled, and how frustrating it is, especially when there is money involved. I too have weekends away planned over the next few months which may well be impacted, but to shout verbal abuse or write horrific and threatening messages on social media, when we are all in the same boat, is uncalled for. 

We are all trying to get through this situation in the best way possible. Let’s not undo all the effort we have been focusing on over the last few weeks at the very first hurdle we have come to. Don’t prove yourself to be a band wagon jumper, show yourself to be the decent human being we all know we can be. 

Lazy days....

Today I'm having a "really-can't-be-bothered" day! I've got tonight's dinner already in the slow cooker, have a coffee on the go, watching a rather disturbing animation on tv called "Kubo and the Two Strings" and am still in my pjs! 

I've sorted out my washing into piles but am yet to actually put any of it into the machine and was actually planning to go to the gym but I just don't have the energy so I've decided today is going to be one of those nothing days. That's ok though, it's good to have days like these; they're good for the soul! 

All week I've been feeling really sorry for myself because I've had an eye infection which resulted in me ending up in eye casualty on Wednesday. Thankfully though, it's nothing serious and the drops I've been given have worked wonders and I'm starting to look less devil like now! Spending the day with my sister and neice yesterday perked me up too. There's definitely something so special about family time, it really does mean the world to me. 

Perhaps I should give myself a little kick up the bum, afterall I might as well be a little bit productive whilst I'm at home. There are jobs to be done. Perhaps a good shower is in order followed by a dance around the house whilst listening to some music on my Alexa is in order. (We don't need to tell anyone about the latter though!)

Yes, that's what I need! 

"Alexa, play my weekend playlist...."

I dreamed a dream

It's been a long time since I committed to writing a blog on here and it makes me sad everytime I think about it, but there is a reason. 

The last year or two have been emotionally so hard and I have struggled. Rather than using my power of words to help me through it I have completely switched off and broken away from the one place that allows me to express how I feel. 

However, my family and friends have been incredible regardless of how I have been feeling, and have swept me up in much love and support and got me back to a happier place.

The crux of it all happened fourteen months ago when a really good friend of mine passed away in his sleep. That was after losing my Ouma and another friend to suicide the same year. Suffice to say, I broke down and I struggled and everything became a battle. Work was hard, being at home was hard. Everything was hard. I cried. A lot! Everyday felt like I was trying to plough through a force that kept on pulling me back and even on days where I told myself I would be ok, I ended up sobbing.

I was given some time off work and booked an appointment with the doctor who diagnosed me with grief and anxiety and put me on a waiting list for CBT counselling. What followed was numerous blood tests and check ups and I was told I needed to increase my vitamin D intake and was put on a course of folic acid.

It took a while, but I eventually went to group CBT counselling and it helped, but not quite enough. The counsellors said I would benefit from some one to one therapy which I am still going through now. 

Since then, things have most definitely started to improve and I do feel in a better place but I was once again floored this weekend because 
on Friday night, I dreamt about my friend for the first time since he died and it really has put my head in a bit of a spin. 

In this dream it felt so real seeing him. He looked so well, healthy and happy and he was surrounded by so many people that loved him, and I stood there watching him for a while and all I felt was really, really happy.

He soon clocked me though and my happiness turned to nervousness because I couldn't believe he could see me and the anticipation of speaking to him again sent a rush of adrenalin through me. I remember waving to him after he looked over to me and it wasn’t long before I was integrated with him and his loved ones, laughing and smiling along with them. Later on in the dream, he text me to say how happy he was to see me and I remember feling like I had him back again!

Since his death I've always felt like he's been here but more recently I haven't felt him near me and I’ve found myself purposely looking for, and asking for a sign to see if he’s around so when I first woke up from this dream, I actually felt comforted as knew this was the sign I'd wanted. However as the morning went on I started to get quite emotional and ended up in floods of tears because the reality dawned on me once more that he wasn’t here.

I managed to get myself together and go to the gym and kept myself busy for a few hours before going home. Initially I was ok, and busied myself but I still had this dream at the forefront of my mind. I even found myself trying to google the interpretation to see if I could find something in it but it just made me feel more sad.

I then got a text from my sister yesterday afternoon telling me Caroline Flack had died. Talk about a bomb shell. Now, I don't know her but have spent the last how many years watching her present TV shows, and like a lot of famous people, you do feel attached to them and so to hear this news was horrendous. She was my age. I then spent the rwat of the day reading through tributes, articles and posts on social media, feeling really sad and it brought back all the feelings I went through when I found out about my friend and, even right now as I am typing this, I just feel incredibly sad.

I’ve proactively been trying to be more positive since the new year began and it is definitely been making a difference. People are noticing I seem a lot happier but I have to admit there are still times where I struggle and have my emotional moments, but part of my CBT training is finding time to do things to keep myself busy so that I am enjoying myself in all areas of my life and not just focusing on one thing. I think being holed up at home on my own because of storm Dennis probably hasn't done me any favours so I'm definitely going to go out today, even if it's just for an hour to distract myself!

In the meantime, I’m trying to take the positives from my dream. Perhaps this was his way of telling me he’s ok. I’d like to think that’s the case. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel sad, and I have to admit, seeing him look so happy and content did make me feel happy and reassured.

I really hope he comes back into my dreams again soon, for as sad as I feel, it was nice, and I really would love to see him again!

In the meantime, I'm going to carry on focusing on the positive, get writing more on here and hopefully get back into some short stories for you all. I've missed being here. 

I’m going to continue sending out my love and prayers to anyone who is struggling, whatever the reason, and most importantly to those who can't find the strength to talk. If you are in this situation please try to reach out. You may not realise it but you are surrounded by people who love you and want to help and it's ok to ask for that and you'll find things will get better. It may take time, but there is no rush. The important thing is you take the hand of someone near you and let them in. Xx

I get by with a little help from my friends....

Sometimes things happen to us in life that are so unexpected and they floor you to a point of wondering if you’ll ever be able to get up again. This happened to me recently and I was left feeling like a mirror that had shattered into millions of pieces.

I’m not going to divulge the incident because it still pains me to talk about it but what happened was enough to make me question my self worth. Thankfully, the support and love I have received from my family and friends has been incredible and they have helped me through a very difficult few weeks which is something I will always be grateful for. 

Since then, I have been doing a lot of reflecting, a LOT of crying and putting a lot of things into perspective and it’s been a rather cathartic experience. 

Coincidentally, at the same time as doing this, one of my trainers from a fitness group I am a member of, called LPT*, who run a mindfulness page on Facebook added this:

‘The things you struggle and agonise over most,
The things you find most challenging and give you the most sleepless nights,
The things that create the most stress, anxiety and overwhelm...

It’s all these things that provide you the greatest opportunity for personal growth. So, rather than dwell on the big challenges and allow them to pull you down, use these challenges as gifts; as the raw materials for becoming a stronger and more successful individual.'

Not only was this posted at the right time for me, it also made me realise we are constantly going to be up against challenges, whether they are expected or not and how we deal with them is going to have a significant affect on our 
wellbeing. 

I’m not saying every challenge will be a difficult one; but talking about it and sharing your concerns with people you trust is going to have such a positive effect on us as individuals and also help to get is through the tricky times.

Goodbye August; you haven't been my favourite month of 2019 that's for sure, but its time to close your door now and step into a brand new month with a whole new set of opportunities. 

Today is the 1st September and has as given me the chance to restart and refocus on what is important to me, and move forward to a happier place. We only have 4 months left in 2019 and I am vowing to make each one of those months count so I can end the year in a much happier place. I have set myself some personal goals for September, which I will reflect on again at the end of the month/beginning of October.

In the meantime, I am feeling nothing but positive about the next few weeks and I hope as each one passes, I will feel a lot stronger, mentally and physically, too.

*To find out more about LPT, you can visit their Facebook pages here:

Northampton LPT
Kettering LPT