So Cold

As I reach for the kettle and pour the hot water into my mug, my head pounding and my eyes feeling like they have 10 tonne weights on them, I can feel the tears welling up. My head is burning and my sinuses hurt from the pressure on them. I feel so weak and all I want is to go to sleep. I wish I could open my face and empty it of the crap that’s making me feel this way. I stir the sugar into my tea, top up my hot water bottle, pull the fallen blanket back over my shoulders and saunter back into the lounge and slump onto the sofa. I can’t wait for my headache to disappear. I feel like I have an army of policemen patrolling around in my head. Thud. Thud. Thud. I just want it to stop.

I switch on the TV but can’t focus. It’s too loud. My body is shivering, my nose is running and I can’t decide whether I need to turn the thermostat up or turn the heating off. I curl up into a ball and cuddle my hot mug with my hands. The tears are falling now, there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Not even Friends can help me out of this one. I turn off the tele, put my mug on the table and lie on the sofa clutching my hot water bottle. I close my eyes but the dizziness is distracting me from actually sleeping and I find myself thinking about all the things I need to do: sort out my gym membership, finish my job application, do my washing, pay my rent. I feel trapped inside a hypnotist swirl powerless to do anything about it.

My eyes suddenly open and I dart up into a sitting position. My face and neck are sweating and my heart is beating so hard it feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest. I was about to drown in quicksand. Please tell me I was dreaming? I compose myself before turning the television back on. It doesn’t seem so loud anymore; maybe the pain killers are working. I still feel weak and my stomach is rumbling but the thought of eating makes me feel sick. I finish my now lukewarm tea which tastes awful, but I don’t have the energy to make another cup so it will have to do. I sit there staring, not really taking in the programme that’s now on. I feel a mess and no doubt look it. I really hope this doesn’t last for long because I’m not sure I can take it any more. I just want to feel normal again…..please?